


walking on death

by milkyprince



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: 20GAYTEEN, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Attempted Murder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Chronic Lying, Depression, Drugs, End Game Spoilers, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fights, First Time, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Jealousy, M/M, Masturbation, SMOKING IS BAD KIDZ, Self-Harm, Smut, Suicide Attempt, Unrequited Love, also drugs are bad toooooo, bc kokichi deserves better, everyone is gay and it is okay, i just wanted a super angsty fic like this but there wasnt one so im writing it now, i promise this is gonna be happy in the end, i'll add more tags when i think of themmm, kokichi is v pretty and i just need everyone to appreciate it, not too much tho, okay maybe a bit, psychotic, shuichi is really caring okay, why am i crying in the club?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-15
Updated: 2018-05-30
Packaged: 2019-05-06 23:42:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 26,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14658690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/milkyprince/pseuds/milkyprince
Summary: Kokichi Ouma should be dead. He knows this, he planned it all out himself. He was murdered.So why is he here?





	1. cross my heart and hope to die

_dead. dead. dead, dead, dead. dead dead dead deaddeaddeadeaddeadeadeadead._

_he was dead._

_kokichi was dead._

 

_\----------------------------------------------------_

 

He was dead. Or it was more like… he was supposed to be. No, not just supposed to be… he was 100%, no doubt about it, certainly, **dead**. He had been crushed to death, pulverized until there was nothing but blood.

Then why… why was he here, standing in front of a mirror and seeing his body completely unscathed? The ugly blue hospital gown was practically falling from him body, far too big to fit. His shining violet eyes were dull, his hair was greasy, and his skin seemed to be weighed down by it’s grey, sickly undertones. He had been short and skinny to begin with, but his body was in a state that not even Kokichi could recognize himself.

Then it dawned on him.

_Oh, this must be the afterlife._

That was the only reasonable explanation. He had planned and executed his own death, although he did need the help of a not-so-friendly friend. Frankly, Kokichi was disappointed in himself. He had planned to kill himself with no outside help, but in the end, all he was was a pathetic little liar who couldn’t even manage to kill himself.

_What a predicament this was… even in death, his face and the voice inside his head disgusted him. God… he wanted to throw up. **Pathetic**. _

Kokichi tilted his head back, beginning to laugh as the hospital lights shone into his eyes. Wow, he had really done it this time! He was dead! Dead! He laughed louder and louder, tears dripping down his face. Sobs began to wrack his body. His legs gave out and he fell to the floor. Shit… what was he going to do? He rubbed his eyes and then his nose, trying to stop himself from crying like a baby.. All he managed to do was rub tears and snot all over his face instead.

He wanted desperately for this to be the afterlife, he wanted everything to be over. But he felt so… alive. He hurt, everything hurt. It felt like he had been beat up for hours. You weren’t supposed to feel pain in the afterlife, or so he thought… so why did it hurt?

_Knock, knock, knock._

The frail boy froze. Again. Another tentative knock.

 _Knock, knock, knock._ Whoever it was waited a few moments, and then slowly turned the knob to the door, a small, high pitched creak sounding through the room. Two footsteps. Silence.

Bracing himself for the worst, Kokichi tried once again to wipe his face and turned his head to look at who was there.

_Shuichi… Shuichi!_

Kokichi’s eyes widened. He had never been happier to see the stupid fucking detective. He pushed himself back onto his feet with shaky arms. He stumbled over his own feet as he ran to the door. He threw his arms around the boy without thinking, sobbing harder than he had before. “Shuichi! Shuichi! I-I’m dead! I’m dead! W-why… why am I not dead?!” he grasped at the shirt on Shuichi’s chest, trying desperately to feel something that proved this was real.

Startled by the other’s sudden movements, Shuichi didn’t react right away. He stood for a moment, letting Kokichi dampen his shirt with his tears. He put his hand on the shorter male’s back, rubbing to comfort him.”Hey… you’re alive. I know it doesn’t seem real, but you are. It’s over now, it’s all over… you don’t need to worry anymore. No one is going to hurt you. The game is over, and you’re here.”

“G-game? What the hell do you mean game? That wasn’t a fucking game! I should be dead! I fucking died!” Kokichi screamed, going into an even greater panic than he was already in. He put his hands on Shuichi’s arms, digging his nails in, not meaning to hurt him. He never meant to hurt anyone… so why had he?

The faux-detective winced, prying Kokichi off of him. Once he looked at Kokichi’s face, he regretted pushing him away. The hurt look on Kokichi’s face was hard to swallow. Was this… who Kokichi really was?

Shuichi knew that the people he thought he knew weren’t real… it was all a simulation. He wasn’t really a detective, and Kokichi wasn’t really a supreme leader. D.I.C.E. never even existed. He was surprised by how… different Kokichi looked in real life. His hair went far past his shoulders, the bright purple hue the same as always. He had already been short and skinny in the game… but he was even smaller than Shuichi could have imagined. He was at least an inch shorter than he was before (Shuichi deduced that it was from losing so much weight- really, his arms and legs were nothing but skin and bone.) And his eyes... they were so dull. He knew that everyone else looked different in real life, but it was only small differences. Compared to the rest, Kokichi looked so... sick. Shuichi had come to this room to visit Kokichi. He had expected for the boy to be cheerful as ever, making snide remarks and lying at every corner. The scene before him was so far from what he had imagined. 

"Hey, Kokichi..." he began, pausing to give the boy time to react. After seeing him look up, he continued, "How about you go get a shower, and I'll explain everything to you once you're calmed down?"

Without even making a sound, Kokichi nodded, looking around and walking towards what seemed to be the bathroom. All Shuichi could see in his eyes was trauma. Terrible, terrible memories.

Shuichi knew he shouldn't have been as surprised as he was. When he had woken up, he had freaked out, not understanding what was going on. He hadn't even died in the simulation, so he couldn't imagine how freaked out Kokichi must have felt, suddenly being alive after he thought he had died. Sighing, he sat down on the small hospital bed and waited patiently, listening to the quiet sound of the water in the shower.

_What was life going to be like now? After all of this?_

 

_\----------------------------------------------------_

 

Kokichi's mind was pretty much blank as we walked into the shower room. He just went through the motions he was used to, turning the water on and then slipping out of his clothes. He waited a minute for the water to warm up and then stepped in, eyes staring straight ahead. It was as if his mind had went into overdrive and had just stopped working. Nothing felt real.

He  _knew_ that Shuichi hadn't died. Even though he himself had died, he died knowing that 'his beloved Saihara-chan' would save the rest of his classmates. Kokichi was dead. Shuichi was alive. So how? How was Shuichi here? When Kokichi had hugged Shuichi, he felt so real... more real than anything had felt in a long time. It felt like he was really there. Was what he said true? Was it all really a game? 

_Would he want it to be a game?_

Kokichi had willingly gotten himself murdered. Everyone knew that. No one knew the reason behind his actions... aside from both him and Kaito, that dumbass 'Luminary of the Stars'.

 **Kokichi Ouma was a liar. Kokichi Ouma hated liars. Kokichi Ouma hated himself.** He knew it seemed cliche, putting up an evil facade to hide who he really was, but it was true. His awful self-hatred manifested itself into a serious case of compulsive lying and major masochism. 

Shuichi never lied... Kokichi knew that. But still, it was impossible for him to believe that it was all just a game. It was far too real and far too traumatizing. If it really were a game, would Kokichi be happy that he were alive? Or was he really content with being dead? Not even he knew. Before, he had been so certain about his death, but now he wasn't so sure. He knew that he still hated himself and wanted to be dead, but at the same time, seeing Shuichi made him feel safe.

The one thing that Kokichi had regretted as he awaited his death by pressing... it was not being able to tell the detective his feelings. Yeah, he had told him that he wanted his heart and not his life, but his reputation for lying had screwed him over. Shuichi hadn't realized that he was serious when he confessed.

Yeah, he was just a big dumb baby, a lying asshole. He had fallen for someone who would never fall for him. He bet that Shuichi would be disgusted if he ever found out. 

Yeah... he'd just stay quiet. Yeah.

Spacing out once again, it took him three washes to get all the grease out of his hair.

 

_\----------------------------------------------------_

 

The bathrobe provided in the bathroom was soft and fluffy, it warmed Kokichi up quickly. HIs hair was soaked, but he didn't take the time to dry it. 

Kokichi expected to be alone when he returned from his shower, but he found that Shuichi was still there. He would have smiled if it weren't for the situation. Maybe Shuichi really did care about him. They made eye contact for just a moment, Kokichi breaking it as he sat down on the edge of his bed. Neither of them said anything, just appreciating the other's presence. 

It took a few minutes for Shuichi to break the silence, "It was a game. You aren't dead. No one is dead. All it was was a cruel simulation. I had a hard time accepting it too..." he gave a weak smile, "But I've had a few weeks to accept it." He awkwardly put an arm around Kokichi's shoulder, trying to comfort him. "They told me you woke up two weeks ago, but you were unresponsive. You just stared at the ceiling blankly. I'm... glad you're awake. Everyone was worried about you. I was worried about you."

"I'm not... dead? Everyone else? They're alive? A-and... they were worried? But... I  was terrible. Shuichi, why were they worried?" Kokichi still didn't understand that it had been a game, but arguing that it had been real would do him no good.

"Listen, we know what you did in the game wasn't your fault. Everyone is different here than they were before. Nobody... blames one another. We know that no one really wanted to do what they did... and we know that you aren't evil. Well... Maki is still struggling to accept everything, but I know she'll forgive you. It's... going to be okay." Shuichi struggled with his words. He was never good at comforting others, but no one else wanted to comfort Kokichi. Taking pity on the boy, Shuichi offered himself to go see him.

There was no way that this could be real. Kokichi shook his head, denying it. How was everything he had gone through, everything he had felt so strongly... fake? Tears began to bead in the corners of his eyes, and not the fake crocodile tears that he had forced out of his eyes so often in trials. He hid his face behind his hands, not wanting to be seen crying again. Shuichi must be thinking that he was insane, pathetic, a complete baby.

But he didn't. In fact, Shuichi felt guilty for pity being the only reason he came here. He was dreading coming to see Kokichi, really. But now, he felt guiltier than ever before, he had been dreading comforting a friend. Wow, he had been a really shitty person right them. 

Knowing he needed to make it up to Kokichi, Shuichi didn't let himself think twice before pulling the bathrobe clad boy into his arms. He could feel the other tense up at first, but then the body relaxed and the cries became louder, louder, louder. Shuichi let the boy cry as loud as he could, not caring about the possibility of his shirt being ruined. He brought a hand up to the soaked violet hair, running his fingers through it in an attempt to create more comfort. This is what Kaede had done to comfort him after he was told it was all a game.

 _Thank you Kaede..._ he thought. If it hadn't been for what she did, he wouldn't know what to do now. He played with Kokichi's hair gently (god, he really hoped he didn't find this weird and wouldn't tease him about it later), softly speaking, "It's okay, Ouma, it's okay. You're okay now. You aren't dead, you aren't hurt, you're alive... shhhh, shhhh... it's all going to be okay."

_Would it really be okay? Was he really okay now?_

Kokichi wasn't sure. He wanted to believe that he was okay oh so badly, but it was so difficult.

_Was he crying because he was happy or because he was sad?_

Not even he knew. All he knew was that he was here, and that the body holding him and the hand in his hair felt so utterly _real_. 

**_And oh god, did he hope the detective was really there._ **


	2. be my crutch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kokichi becomes attached and needy and shuichi is bad at saying no
> 
> maki thinks it was all real.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for once my updates are fast!!! im gonna update as much as i can while i'm still motivated!! yay!!! again pls comment pls
> 
> i'll try to update again tomorrow but i have state testing so idk if i'll get it typed up :,) if ur in pa u know keystones mcfuckin suck

They must have stayed that way for an hour or more, Kokichi in Shuichi’s arms. He cried until he tired himself out, and then he stayed there, just holding onto Shuichi in an attempt to feel some sort of comfort.

He really hated himself for acting like this, so needy, akin to how a child would act. Yes, he wanted to be held like this, to finally feel comforted, but he also didn’t want to bother anyone. He wondered what was going on in Shuichi’s head, what he was thinking about the situation at hand. The only thing holding him back from asking how Shuichi felt was the fear of being left behind, being told that he was annoying. 

When he wore his mask, his uncrackable facade, Kokichi could deal with being hated. That wasn't who he truly was, simply a persona he had made up. However... he was being his true self in this moment. He was terrified of the possibility that his real self would be hated just as much, if not more, as his made up self was. He was so scared of who he was being disliked that he created an entirely different personality just to protect himself from judgement.

_Ask him, ask him, ask him._

_No..._

_Kokichi you dumbass, just ask him. You got yourself killed, you weren't scared then, so you can't be scared to just ask a fucking question. Do it, you pathetic little shithead._

Through arguing with himself, Kokichi forced himself to speak, asking a simple question to Shuichi, "Am I... annoying?" He lifted his head up, his cheeks red from tears. He didn't let go of Shuichi, he didn't care if it was annoying, he felt as if letting go would make everything disappear into nothingness. Even if it were someone that he hated instead of Shuichi, Kokichi wouldn't let go. He didn't want it to disappear. 

Waiting for an answer, the not-really-evil supreme leader prepared for the worst, tensing up and clenching onto Shuichi.

_He's definitely going to say yes. Yes he's annoying. How would he think that he wasn't annoying? He knew it-_

"No"

_...no? What?_

"Huh?" Kokichi voiced his confusion.

Shuichi let go of Kokichi making him sit up straight and look him in the eye. "Kokichi Ouma," he began pausing to ensure that the one he was addressing was listening, "I don't think you're annoying."

This was even more shocking to Kokichi than when he was told he was alive.

"W-what? Why? How? I-I'm the most annoying person on the planet!"

"Stop it. We both know that isn't true. Yeah, I got annoyed by you, but you aren't annoying. You're saying it as if annoying is a personality trait of yours. Everyone acts annoying at some points, you, me, everyone, but that doesn't mean annoying is a part of their personality. You wanna know what your personality is? You're stubborn, you're a leader, you're hardworking, confident, and so much more. Kokichi, you are not annoying. I may not be a real detective, but I can deduce that you are not annoying. I know I'm not good at words, but trust me, you aren't annoying."

_Not good at words? Not good at words his ass!_

He had just managed to stop crying, and now, here he was again, tears threatening to fall from his eyes again. 

_Shit, shit, shit... not again._

Kokichi scolded himself for acting like a baby, rubbing his eyes to hide the fact that he was crying yet again. 

Of course, seeing Kokichi begin to cry made Shuichi worry, in turn. "A-ah! Um... did I say something wrong? Please don't cry, uh..." Anything he ever knew about emotions and how to handle them had packed their bags and ran away, leaving Shuichi to struggle with a blank mind. 

And now Kokichi was worrying as well, not knowing how to convey to Shuichi that  _no_ he hadn't said anything wrong. He was crying because he had said everything so  _right._ That was what he had wanted to hear for so long. 

Knowing that he would cry if he spoke in his normal tone, he whispered, "Thank you... hearing that, from you especially, means a lot..."

_No, no, stop, Kokichi, you need to stop talking. Don't word vomit all over him. You'll regret it if you do, he doesn't need to know everything-_

_Fuck it._

Kokichi needed to tell someone. He didn't care who, he just needed to let it all out. He threw caution to the wind and began talking. 

"I-I just want to be accepted, Shuichi. I don't want to be h-hated. I'm not really how I act. I d-don't want to be annoying, I just want people to like who I am. I'm not a leader, I'm not confident, I'm none of that. I'm weak and like being told what to do. I wanted to die, for christ's sake, I made Kaito kill me because I was too pathetic to do it myself! Shuichi! Do you get it? I couldn't handle the killing game anymore so I took the easy way out and got killed! God, I'm so fucking pathetic! How do you not see that?! I acted like a complete asshole to everyone just to benefit myself! All I am is selfish, weak, and annoying! I'm a liar! Everything I do and say is a lie! It's all a fucking lie! And wow, look at me now. Even though I thought I wanted to die before, I'm hoping to all the gods that I don't believe in that this is real, that  _you're_ real. I don't want to let go because if I let go it's all going to disappear and I'll be dead for real!"

Shuichi had never been so stunned or overwhelmed in his life. All he could do was stare at Kokichi with his eyes wider than they were when they found Rantarou's body. Somehow, this was more confusing and unexpected than any of the dead bodies he had seen. He prepared himself to speak, but Kokichi kept going.

"I'm hopeless. Completely, terribly, utterly hopeless. I'm bipolar, not sure whether I want to live of die, I lie about everything, and I'm in love with a stupid fucking detective who can't even detect my feelings!"

_Oh. Oh shit._

Kokichi realized what he was saying far too late. He had stopped thinking somewhere in the middle of his distressed rambling and it slipped his mind that  _that stupid fucking detective_ was the one he was talking to! Oh for christ's sake how stupid could he be? Now his own eyes were just as wide as the one's staring at him.

_Fuck, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Now he really did wish he were dead!_

"O-of course that was a lie! All of that was a lie!" Kokichi began to laugh uncontrollably, "I'm just messing with you! You think I'd get thaaaaat emotional over  _you_ _?_ You're soooooo stupid, Mister Detective! Nishishi~!"

He regretted ever opening his mouth at all. He knew he should have just stayed fake as plastic. Backtracking was the only possible way to recover from what had fallen from his mouth. 

Even though he wasn't a detective at all, Shuichi had become skilled at spotting lies- especially Kokichi's. There was no fooling him, not after he had seen such a vulnerable side of the other. There was no way that anyone- even Kokichi- could put on an act that convincing. 

"Your lies don't work on me anymore," he sighed, "Listen, I speak for everyone when I say this, we'd rather you be your real self than whatever your act was before. Just... be yourself. As for what you last said... trust me, those feelings will go away. You're Kokichi Ouma, I know you don't have feelings for me."

Oh. Ouch. That hurt. Kokichi wanted to yell at him, tell him that his feelings weren't fake, he really, really liked him. But... if Shuichi didn't like him having feelings for him, if he didn't like Kokichi telling him everything, then he would go back to being fake. He would be fake if it meant Shuichi liked him more. Perfect, back to being fake! He stood up, grinning from ear to ear, "Where's everybody else? I'm hungry!"

Shuichi had a bad feeling about all this.

 

_\----------------------------------------------------_

 

Led by Shuichi, the pair made their way down to the dining hall. Kokichi hummed as he walked, a bounce in his step. No one, no one, no one needed to know! No more outbursts! Just the perfectly-normal, fake Kokichi! 

He had been informed that no one was injured, and as soon as everyone agreed on it, they could leave. Of course, as a prize for playing the game, rent would be provided until they found jobs, for a year at the most. 

 _All that trauma... just for a year's rent?_ He couldn't comprehend why the past him wanted to play this game so badly. He pondered this to himself until Shuichi stopped walking. They were in front of a set of double doors. 

"Everyone is in here. Before we go in just... prepare yourself. Everyone is going to be shocked, but I'm sure they'll be happy to see you." Shuichi warned, pushing open the doors and letting Kokichi walk in before him.  

_Time for the grand entrance._

Kokichi grinned.

"Oh my! Everyone's here, all waiting for me!" he let out a hearty laugh, "Well all your wishes have come true because I'm here! You thought you'd seen the last of me, but guess what? I'm back and better than ever, bitches!" 

Everyone stared at him, oh yes, the vile attention he craved. Bug boy, the slut, good ol' Kii-boy, oh? He saw everyone but the only person who was a bigger liar than he- Maki. Hm? Where was she?

It wasn't until he heard a commotion, mainly consisting of shouts of words like "stop!" and "look out!" that he realized something was up.

**_And that's when it hit him._ **

**_Literally._ **

 

He felt a strong fist collide with his face. Next thing he knew, he was pinned up against the wall, the fist hitting him again right smack dab in the middle of his face. He then felt possibly the worst thing he had felt in his life, not to mention being crushed to death by a hydraulic press. Kokichi wasn't quite sure as to what was happening, all that he knew was that he felt like throwing up. He lost his balance, falling to the tiled floor and hearing his skull collide with the floor. Whoever was doing this didn't stop, straddling his waist and dealing more hits to him. 

Kokichi was, to say the least, terrified. Everything hurt and he felt so sick. He couldn't hold it down. Despite not having eaten in a week, the victim gagged and threw up stomach acid, throat burning.

_He was going to die, he was going to die for real this time._

Blood was running from his nose and seeping out of a busted lip. His right eye was swelling up and he had irritation marks all over his face. What a pathetic sight. If he could see himself, he would laugh at how weak he looked.

In the moment, however, all he could do was scream.

" _Please stop! Oh my god please! I'm going to die, I'm gonna die, please!"_ Kokichi was sobbing,  _"I-I don't wanna die! Stop! It h-hurts! "_

He thrashed around, kicking his legs and flailing his arms with his eyes closed. Who was on top of him? He didn't know, didn't care in that moment. He didn't even care about whoever was seeing him crying and screaming like a baby. After being given a second chance at life, he knew he couldn't let himself slip through the cracks again.

 _"I-I'll do anything- gah!"_ he gagged once again, this time on his own spit. At least it was better than stomach acid. 

He wasn't able to get words out of his mouth anymore, only cried and screams. Maybe if he cried enough, pity would be taken on him. His ears were deaf to everything around him, even himself.

Then... it stopped. There was a clattering of chairs and Kokichi opened his eyes enough to see Kaito, Shuichi, and Kirumi prying Maki off of him. 

_Yeah... he deserved this. He knew he deserved this, but it hurt so bad._

Hugging his knees to his battered chest, Kokichi cried and cried and cried. Nothing could stop him. He could see a mix of blood, spit, stomach acid, and tears on the floor, his head laying in the little puddle. Even though he knew he deserved this, all he could think was  _"why?"_

"Kokichi- Kokichi can you hear me? Are you okay?" Shuichi crouched down to look at the bloody mess, "Here, let me help you stand."

God, he didn't want to stand... but then again, standing meant Shuichi's arms would be around him. Still crying, he leaned on his crush and tried to stand up. It ended up with Kokichi supporting maybe 2% of his weight and Shuichi having the other 98%. The world was spinning. Wow, dizziness had an entirely new meaning to it now. Though his hearing was muffled, he overheard a conversation.

Kaito was yelling, holding Maki's wrists as she tried to get at Kokichi again, "Maki! What the hell?! What got into you?! Why did you do that?! Answer me!" He was livid. He knew Maki was angry at Kokichi, but with what Kaito knew, he didn't feel Kokichi, although he was an asshole, deserved that kind of treatment. 

Now Maki screamed, crying and furious, "He got you killed! He made you  _die_ Kaito! H-how dare he walk in like nothing happened?!" She had been so traumatized by losing Kaito that now, she couldn't control herself. Inside, she knew Kokichi didn't deserve that, she knew that this wasn't really her. But it was so easy to let her frustration out in this manner.

_The world was spinning..._

Kokichi couldn't get ahold of himself. It was all too much.

He passed out.


	3. you look so pretty when you're broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> why does kokichi look so pretty when he's beaten up? 
> 
> shuichi might be a sadist and kokichi tries to take advantage of that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also there's a ten minute version of kokichi's nishishi and i love it
> 
> hey are y'all cool with nsfw shit? just for......... future reference. i have ideas.

Kokichi had always wondered what is was like to be blind. Hm.. now he halfway knew. His right eye was so swollen that no matter how much he tried, he was unable to see anything but a slit of light. 

_Damn, this sucked._

Thankfully, his left eye had been spared. He could see, but his depth perception was fucked. He assumed he had a concussion, knowing his skull had collided with the floor pretty hard. 

Although he talked a big game, Kokichi had never once been in a fight. Sure, he had been harassed and roughed up, including in the game, but nothing like this. This was quite a shitty feeling. His entire body felt sore, and he could still laste the metallic tang of blood in his mouth, yum. Well, a little beating wasn't going to stop him! He was the all powerful, the tough, the perfect Kokichi Ouma.

Dizziness overtook him as he pushed himself to sit up. Walking was sure going to be a challenge, but his fake cockiness motivated him. Resting his feet on the floor, he put his weight onto the ground. 

_Aaaaaand... down he went._

He definitely should have known this was a bad idea. Kokichi prepared himself for impact with the floor, closing his eyes tightly.

But... he didn't hit the ground. Instead, he heard a startled shout and then felt someone catch him. 

_Oh?_

He opened the one eye that he could, and saw Shuichi, yes  _the_ Shuichi, had caught him. Staring up at him, he found that Shuichi was staring at him as well. But why? Shuichi looked so encapsulated by Kokichi, unable to tear his eyes away. He then noticed the blush on the detective's cheeks, which left Kokichi even more confused than he had been by his stare alone. 

Without a word, Shuichi helped Kokichi back onto his bed, laying him down gently. Kokichi was surprised by Shuichi's ability to pick him up, but then again, maybe it was just that he weighed so little, not that Shuichi was overly strong. 

"You need to stay laying down. You'll get even worse if you try to move around. Just rest, Kokichi."

_God, his voice was dreamy. In this hazy state of mind, Kokichi was more in love than ever. He didn't mind being injured if it meant he had these amazing feelings._

"Mmmm... okayyyy." he let out an airy laugh, "Whatever you say." He turned his head on its side to look at the other, discovering that the blush hadn't found it's way off of Shuichi's face yet. Instead, it remained there, only getting darker. "Oh? Why are you blushing, my dearest detective?" Kokichi smiled, hoping the teasing would get to the other. Despite knowing he wasn't a true detective, he would always be Kokichi's perfect investigator. 

Shuichi stuttered, words tumbling out of his mouth clumsily, "You look so pretty when you're broken." 

_P-pretty...? Shuichi... thought he was pretty? For real? Him? Kokichi Ouma? Pretty?_  

Kokichi blushed at the possibility of being pretty. 

_Wait..._ Kokichi thought more about what Shuichi had said.

_You look so pretty when you're broken. You look so pretty. You look so broken. Was this pity? No... it didn't sound like pity. It sounded more like... a genuine compliment? But what had he said he was pretty when he was broken? Only when he was broken?_

_Wait... wait...._

_Oh my god Shuichi was a sadist!_

_Holy shit... this was something Kokichi never could've imagined._

_What a delightful plot twist!_

Shuichi's hand was covering the bottom half of his face, blush worsening when he saw that Kokichi shared his red cheeks. 

"Can- can you repeat that? Please?" Kokichi asked. He needed to hear it again to assure that it was real. Oh please let him have heard that correctly. 

"You...  you look so pretty when you're broken."

He had heard him right. Holy shit he had heard him right! It was possible that he was hallucinating, but even if he was, he didn't want it to stop. He reached his hand out toward Shuichi, motioning for his hand.

Shuichi responded by reaching his arm out as well. As their fingertips touched, Shuichi drew away all of the sudden. He stood up from where he was seated, looking down at Kokichi, "U-um. I'm sorry- I can't do this!" 

And then he was gone. Kokichi was left alone.

 

_\----------------------------------------------------_

 

After being left alone, Kokichi proceeded to cry, get angry, and then cry again. 

First, he cried because he wanted Shuichi to like him. Then, he got angry at Shuichi for leading him on. And again, he cried because he felt guilty for blaming the other. At this point, his first day back alive had been shit. He wished he really had died.

"God dammit why won't you just love me!" Kokichi shouted out, groaning. All he wanted was affection. Yeah, he wanted to keep his tough act up, but he also kinda sorta really wanted to be in a boy's arms and have someone play with his hair. Fuck! Fuck! He was gay! He was gay and he wanted to kiss a boy! He rolled onto his stomach and screamed into his pillow. Yeah, he wanted to kiss a boy, but he wanted to kiss  _one_ specific boy! 

Okay okay, Kokichi reasoned with himself. He needed to stay alive until he got to kiss Shuichi. 

This was pathetic. He was using his crush as a motivator as to  _literally not **kill himself**._

Hm... speaking of Shuichi... Kokichi began to wonder what he looked like. If Shuichi had found him pretty, then maybe he did look pretty like this.

This time, when he stood up, he didn't immediately fall down. He did feel a bit wobbly, so he used his hand to walk against the wall. His depth perception was still terrible, to he may or may not have ran into the bathroom door. No one had seen it, so it didn't happen, right?

He stopped in front of the mirror, staring at himself.

_Wow..._ he had never looked better! He looked amazing beaten up! Finally, he had been put in his place! He had always hated his face, but now he could stand it! He giggled,running his fingers over the bruises developing on his face. Beautiful. Kokichi found a hair elastic and pulled his hair up, wanting his face to draw the most attention. 

While pondering his face, Kokichi came up with a plan.

**_Operation Make Shuichi Jealous_ **

Now... time to go find the others.

 

_\----------------------------------------------------_

 

He sure was a sorry sight, hobbling down the hall with his hand against the wall. He glared at any nurses or attendees that looked at him, not letting anyone pity him. Fuck pity. The only pity he would accept was Shuichi's! He grinned as he spotted Kiibo just a little bit ahead.

"Ohhhh Kii-boy~!" Kokichi called out, waving with his free hand. 

The robot boy contemplated whether or not to run away, but he decided to be a good person and listen to what Kokichi wanted, "Yes, Kokichi?"

"Do you know where Rantarou is? Oh- and Shuichi. I need to find them."

Kiibo sighed in relief- he expected Kokichi to ask something much worse of him. This was a pretty easy question!

"I saw Rantarou heading to the courtyard, and Shuichi is in his room, which is the one right across from yours. Why are you looking for them, by the way?"

"No reason! Thanks Robo-boy!" Kokichi headed back where he came from, knocking on Shuichi's door. When he heard a response, he opened the door and stepped in.

Shuichi looked at Kokichi, "Huh? You're supposed to be resting. You should get back in your room-"

"Shhhhh," Kokichi held a finger up to Shuichi's lips, "I will in a little bit. Just needed a change in scenery. Could you meet me in the courtyard in, like, fifteen minutes? I promise it won't take too long!"

Shuichi began to protest, telling Kokichi to rest, but Kokichi wasn't having any of it, "Nope! I won't rest unless you come and meet me!" He refused to back down, knowing that if Shuichi wouldn't comply, his plan couldn't be put into action!

"Fine, fine..." Shuichi gave in, "I'll be there soon. Don't try to pull any ridiculous stunts."

"Yay! Maybe you aren't so totally boring after all! See you soon!" Kokichi made his way out of the room, closing the door loudly behind him. Finally, he had gotten used to walking enough to take his hand off of the wall. Of course, he stayed close in case he felt like falling down or passing out again.

In only two or three minutes, Kokichi walked out into the courtyard, spotting Rantarou admiring the blooming flowers. "Rantarou! Hey! C'mere!" he yelled, gesturing for the green-haired boy to come to him. 

A confused look on his face, Rantarou met Kokichi where he was on the pathway, "You're already out walking again? Impressive. Last time I took a hit to the head- I died!" Rantarou laughed, seeming far too light-hearted about his own death. "So, what is it that you want from me? Ask away, Supreme leader, sir." 

"Well... I know this is going to sound crazy, but trust me, it's a good idea."

"Oh, that's the start of an amazing plan. This sounds exciting!" Rantarou always loved excitement, and this sounded like it was going somewhere good.

Kokichi sat down on a bench, Rantarou sitting beside him. "So, I'm in love with Shuichi."

Rantarou acted shocked. To be honest, he had a hunch about that. The way Kokichi clung onto the detective the previous day was definitely more than a friendship attraction.

"I told him, but he told me that I couldn't really be in love with him. But today, he was blushing while looking at me, and he called me pretty. I almost got him to hold my hand, but he chickened out at the last moment, tch, what a loser. Basically, my plan now is to make him jealous. He's coming to this courtyard in a few minutes... and I want you to pretend to confess to me and ask me out. I'll say yes, and we'd act like a couple. Hopefully, it'll make him jealous enough to confront me. I know, I know- it seems kinda mean to try to provoke him, but I'm kinda mean, so... please?"

"That... sounds incredible! To be honest, I did something similar back in middle school!" Rantarou gave his signature pretty boy smile, "I only have one question... what do I get out of it?"

Kokichi thought for a moment, looking to the sky as he tried to think of something, "Hm... whatever you want really! You can ask me for anything and there's a 99% chance I'll agree to it! Sound fair?"

Nodding in agreement, Rantarou held out his hand, "Shake on it."

Kokichi took his hand in a firm handshake, giving an excited smile. This was going to be as fun as a barrel of monkeys.

 

_\----------------------------------------------------_

 

Shuichi pushed open the doors to the courtyard, walking out into the warm springtime sun. He paused to look at a garden of purple flowers... 

_Just like Kokichi's hair..._

He looked around, seeing Kokichi with Rantarou. Oh, he didn't know that they were friends. 

_Nice._

Shuichi was about to call out for Kokichi, but then he overheard the conversation. 

 

_\----------------------------------------------------_

 

Rantarou stood underneath a tall tree with Kokichi, looking at the shorter boy. 

"So? What did you ask me here for?" Kokichi asked (he was very proud of his acting skills- he could be the Ultimate Actor!)

"I don't know how to say this but... Kokichi. I know that we haven't spent a lot of time together, but in the time I've spent with you, I've come to see how incredible you are. You're really strong, confident, and not to mention pretty. I... really, really like you. Would you go out with me?"

A blush spread across Kokichi's cheeks, his eyes casting down, "Y-yeah."

 

_\----------------------------------------------------_

 

_Rantauro... and Kokichi? They... were together? Rantarou had asked Kokichi out?_

_Huh...?_

_Shuichi was so confused. How had this happened, and why did it make his stomach twist into a million knots?_

He couldn't watch this anymore. Shuichi had seen enough. He opened to door, stepping back outside and briskly walking to his room. He had no fucking clue as to why it bothered him that Kokichi was with Rantarou. He knew he wasn't in love with him. Yeah, he was pretty and cute, but Shuichi couldn't handle all the constant lies. He could never have feelings for a boy anyways, much less Kokichi.

But it still bothered him,

He hated that it bothered him.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if it seems like kokichi is bipolar.......... its bc he is


	4. baby you're too cruel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> shuichi is frustrated and he doesn't know why
> 
> angie and kokichi are guided by atua

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> asking again: are y'all okay if there ends up being nsfw shit in this?

Kokichi was having fun.

Rantarou was having fun.

Shuichi was not having fun.

Kokichi and Rantarou laughed amongst themselves as they walked a small path in the courtyard, holding hands all the while. Honestly, Kokichi quite enjoyed the company of his partner. They had the same sense of dry humor, and were quite fond of pranks such as their current escapade. Sure, Kokichi definitely didn't think of him in a romantic way, but he could see them becoming close friends. Rantarou just  _understood_ him- unlike a certain  _other_  person.

Shuichi noticed the pair while walking in the halway, gazing out the window at them. He paused, frowned, and then kept walking.

Seeing him out of the corner of his eye, Kokichi smirked at Shuichi's frown. He tugged Rantarou along with him as he called out for the boy, "Ohhhhh Shuichi~!" 

_Shit. He had been caught lurking. Fuck. Dammit._

Kokichi opened the door and stepped inside with Rantarou in tow. He sported a fake, over exaggerated frown, "Shuichiiiiiiii, why didn't you come meet me yesterday? Mean! Mean! So mean! You really hurt my feelings, y'know? I was all battered and  _broken,"_ Kokichi emphasized the word broken, looking Shuichi in the eye to make a point of making him remember what he had said to him while he was laid up in bed, "and you hurt me even more!"

"I-" Shuichi began.

"I-I'm so hurt! Do- do you hate me Shuichi?" Kokichi brought his crocodile tears out to play, "M-my beloved Saihara-chan hates me! Waaaaaaahhhhhh! How could you? S-so cruel! So mean!"

_This wasn't fair. This wasn't fair at all. Shuichi knew that he wasn't cruel. No, no, he wasn't cruel. Kokichi was the cruel one._

"Yeah. Sorry." Shuichi answered shortly. He turned away, walking down the hall without another word. 

Kokichi stopped his faux tears, switching back to a malicious grin. He spun on his heel to face Rantarou. 

"Rantarou! That. Was. Brilliant. Did you see the look on his face? He was so so so so so pissed! He's jealous!" Kokichi exclaimed, throwing his arms around Rantarou and jumping into his arms.

Rantarou laughed and caught Kokichi, smiling back at him. Geez, Kokichi had a gorgeous smile. 

_Maybe, just maybe... Rantarou was falling for Kokichi. And again, just maybe... he would hope Kokichi gave up on Shuichi and stayed with him._

 

_\----------------------------------------------------_

 

 

Some may have been satisfied just by making their target jealous once, but no, no no no no no, Kokichi was not going to settle for minor jealousy. He wanted Shuichi to be seething, furious, unable to think of anything but Kokichi. Kokichi would go to any length to get what he wanted.

Unfortunately, Miu had overheard Kokichi and Rantarou talking about how well their plan was going. And oh hell yeah, Miu wanted the fuck in. Of fucking course she wanted to meddle in the relationship of Kokichi and Shuichi! Who wouldn't?

Kokichi wasn't exactly in a place to deny her, seeing as Miu threatened to tell Shuichi all about the plan. There was no way that Kokichi could have him know about this! It would ruin everything!

Besides, it wasn't that bad, Miu was actually going to be super helpful! She offered to stick a tracker in Shuichi's shoe so that she could see his location from her phone at any time, akin to how parents would sometimes chip their children. Kokichi did refuse that, thinking it was probably a bit overkill and also very creepy if Shuichi were to find out. Instead, Miu just became their lookout, as well as a distraction to get Shuichi to go where Kokichi wanted him without Kokichi seeming suspicious. 

For their first joint operation, Miu informed them about Shuichi's routine of going to the common area around two in the afternoon. 

They all hung out in Rantarou's room until a couple minutes after two, and then Kokichi walked hand in hand with Rantarou toward the common area. 

Before entering, Kokichi spoke loudly, "Rantarouuuu~ buy me some Panta!" 

The taller of the pair replied with a laugh, putting his arm around Kokichi's back as they walked into the natural-lighted room. Neither of them looked Shuichi's way, stopping in front of the vending machine. Rantarou put a dollar and some change in, and Kokichi got his drink. They sat on a chair meant to seat one person. It fit two people when one was in the other's lap!

It only look a few minutes of their fake flirting for Shuichi to get up and leave.

Kokichi felt proud of himself.

 

_\----------------------------------------------------_

 

Kokichi was no longer proud of himself.

It was one in the morning. Kokichi had awoken, sweating and panting. 

_Oh yippee-ki-yay, another nightmare. What a joy._

He hefted himself up from his now-sweaty sheets and got out of bed. He lifted up the mattress and pulled out his treasure. He had managed to steal a couple of things from around the place, after getting familiar with the layout and schedules of nurses. This place was kind of a group living area combined with a hospital. It made sense, considering its use was specifically for the games produced by Team Danganronpa. 

First was a pack of cigarettes and a lighter he pickpocketed from a nurse going off duty. Second was a boxcutter from the staff room (thank god he had remembered how to pick locks). HIs final and most impressive thievery was about a dozen fentanyl patches. Yeah, he knew he would be in trouble if he was caught, but he didn't really care..

He pocketed the cigarettes and lighter, stashing the other illegals under his mattress again. Kokichi left his room and walked down the hall, his destination being the courtyard. He wanted to avoid stinking up his room with the smoke. Not worrying too much of being caught, he walked leisurely, humming to himself.

_You got me so nervous to speak, so I just won't say anything at all._

HIs steps came to a halt as he heard other steps that were not his own.

_Dammit, he was about to be caught._

Kokichi stayed still, being cautious.

...

...

The footsteps came closer.

...

...

_Angie._

Kokichi let out a sigh of relief as the self proclaimed prophet rounded the corner.

"Oh?" she spoke in a hushed voice, "If it isn't Ouma! What are you doing out so late?"

Knowing that Angie wouldn't rat him out, he told the truth, "I woke up from a nightmare, so I was going out to smoke." Kokichi pulled out the cigarettes, "You wanna join?"

"Oooooh! Atua says yes!" she grinned, "But I have something even better. Come, come with me now." Angie motioned Kokichi to follow. 

He was intrigued, so he followed, only a step behind. 

Angie led him into her room. She rummaged through a pile of her clothing on the floor and held up a bag victoriously, "Here we are!"

_Weed. Maybe that Auta-obsessed artist knew what was up._

"Angie. I don't say this very much, but you are incredible. That's just what I need right now. Where did you get that from?"

She got up and practically bounced over to Kokichi, leaning in to whisper, "Don't tell anyone this, but let's just say a nurse here has a little side job!" She giggled, excited and happy as always. Angie was quite excited to have a smoking partner. No one else ever wanted to join her, always talking about how drugs were unhealthy. But Atua told her to use them! Nothing Atua said could be wrong, obviously.

They walked outside together, making small talk. Both knew that once they were high, they'd be talking far more than casual conversation, so it wasn't a big deal if they had some awkward talk right now.

The perfect spot was found underneath a weeping willow. It was beautiful, really. The branches hung low and the moon shone through the light green leaves. The night air was cool and a soft breeze comforted Kokichi. He enjoyed being outside without seeing a comically-large birdcage around him. He wished he could travel to the countryside right now, see the vast fields and openness. 

Kokichi leaned his head against the rough trunk of the tree, watching Angie roll up a blunt. Ah... this was nice. Not having the fear of death constantly looming over them really made it easier to make friends. 

"Hey, can I have your lighter? Mine is still in my room, oopsies!" 

Kokichi gladly handed it over, seeing Angie light it up quickly. She took a long drag from it, handing it to Kokichi after.

_Hm... indirect kiss through weed._

He took a hit and waited.

 

_\----------------------------------------------------_

 

 _Free_. He hadn't felt his free in so long. He felt as if he could tell Angie everything. He was so relaxed and comfortable. Weed truly was a magical thing. Angie and himself met eye contact and burst out laughing. He smiled, such an un-faked smile. He leaned his head on Angie's shoulder and sighed out.

"Thanks for this. I really needed it."

Angie carded her hand through Kokichi's hair, "Mmhm... we all need to let go a little sometimes. You can tell me anything now, Atua and myself are here to listen. I know it is scary to wake up after you believed you were killed. When I woke up, I wouldn't even look at Kiyo. Atua showed me the light though. No one here wished to do any harm. There were outside forces trying to play god with us, but in the end, they could never be as powerful as Atua himself. Playing god only gets you so far before the curtain is pulled back on you."

_Huh... Angie was much more sensible than she let on._

"It's weird. I've come to accept that it was a game, but it's still so weird. Shuichi told me that none of us were really Ultimates, none of us are really our true selves. But... I can't remember who I am. I don't even remember my family. All I remember is the game. Everything I felt in there was so real. Everytime we lost someone, I went more and more insane. I don't know if I was trying to protect myself or not."

Closing her eyes and resting her head atop Kokichi's own head, she hummed in agreement, "Mm... I feel the same way. I can't remember who I was. I've come to realize, however, that it doesn't matter who we were before. We are who we are now.The people we've met, the friends we've made... they're not fake. They're all as real as anything else. The pain and the suffering we all shared- it wasn't fake. Our despair, hope, trust, doubt, everything was real. Everything about us is real. Just remember this, Ouma, we must let go of the past. What we need to focus on is now, Atua says so. We just need to trust in the world and the way it works. Everything happens for a reason."

Kokichi pondered in silence for a moment, absorbing everything that Angie had said. It was... incredibly thoughtful. 

They rested like that, not feeling the need to speak. It wasn't an awkward silence. Instead, it was a comforting one. 

Kokichi thought about his new life now. He had managed to make friends with people he never thought would want to spend time with someone like himself. He... wished he had just been truthful from the beginning. Maybe he wouldn't have ended up being killed if he had just lied. 

_Guilt._

"I feel so... guilty for the way I acted, honestly. It really, really sucks Angie."

"I forgive you. And Atua tells me that in time, everyone will learn to forgive one another, even Maki. It will all be okay, but it will also take time. Bad things are guaranteed to happen, but don't give up, Ouma. I know that you can be strong and determined, so don't give up." Angie lifted her head and so did Kokichi, "I'm going to head back inside. It is time for me to rest. Are you coming with me?"

With a soft smile and appreciation, Kokichi answered, "I think I'm going to stay out here a bit longer. I have some more thinking to do."

"Don't stay out too long. We don't want you to catch a cold. Goodnight Ouma." Angie began to walk away.

"Hey- Angie?" Kokichi called out.

Angie stopped and looked back, "Yeah?"

"...thank you."

"Anytime" she smiled, more gently than excited this time.

Off she went.

 

_\----------------------------------------------------_

 

Kokichi fell asleep under the weeping willow. 

He was smiling, not weeping.

 


	5. drug darling, drug darling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything is okay.
> 
> But then it's not.
> 
> Kokichi finds out what is wrong with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: drugs, drugs, drugs. also self harm
> 
> it's the weekend so updates should be even quicker!! thank you all for reading this

Resting outside, Kokichi didn't stir. It was such a peaceful sleep. 

Somewhere in the night, Kokichi felt himself being picked up and carried inside. He didn't open his eyes, still half asleep. He wondered who it was... who cared enough to bring him inside? 

Curiosity overtaking him, Kokichi slowly opened his eyes, "Rantarou?"

_He should have guessed it... of course it was Rantarou._

_He wished it were Shuichi._

"Yeah, it's me. I was going out for a late night walk. I saw you there, under the willow. You looked so... beautiful. I didn't mean to wake you, dear, I just didn't want you to get a cold."

"We're alone, you don't have to act like my lover, Rantarou." Kokichi sighed, rolling his eyes.

"I know we're alone, Kokichi."

_Oh._

Kokichi closed his eyes again, wondering why he got himself into this mess. 

 

_\----------------------------------------------------_

 

The day was calm. Kokichi still felt comforted by Angie's words. He acted much more friendly and compliant. 

Everyone was shocked by this new Kokichi... some giving him suspicious looks. What was Kokichi trying to do? Was he acting nice to get them all to trust him, and then did he plan to stab them in the back- possibly literally?

Angie was the only one who didn't shoot him suspicion. She truly was at a higher level than the rest, more mature than she let on at first. Kokichi had a new view on the artist. 

He ate breakfast at the table for once, not hiding in his room this time. It felt... nice.

He actually managed to make friendly conversation.

Maki approached him. He visibly flinched, fearing the girl's strength.

"Calm down, asshole. I'm not going to touch you." Maki sighed, "Kaito... told me everything."

_Shit._

"E-Everything?"

She nodded, "Everything. He told me that you wanted to kill yourself. He told me that you couldn't do it yourself, he told me the full story, how you begged him to kill you. And... I'm sorry. I didn't know the full story, and I reacted in the wrong way. I still don't trust you, but I can admit I was wrong when I know I was."

Somewhere in the middle of her speaking... the dining hall fell quiet.

Everyone... everyone had heard it. Now... now every knew. They knew how pathetic, how weak he was.

Kokichi gazed around the room.

_Pity. So much pity. He hated pity. He hated it, he hated it. Please... please. He wanted everyone to look away. Stop staring, stop staring, please just stop staring!_

Tears welled up in Kokichi's eyes. He was humiliated, absolutely, utterly, completely humiliated. It was all too much. He didn't want everyone to know. He hadn't wanted anyone to know. 

Kaede was the first to say something, "Kokichi, I didn't know, I'm so sorry."

Gonta, "Gonta so sorry. Gonta not know Kokichi going through this."

Korekiyo, "That is certainly not too beautiful..."

Even Tenko, "I thought you were just a terrible degenerate male!"

_Stop, stop. Kokichi couldn't take this. He couldn't handle everyone knowing. This was all so much, too much._

Kiibo began to speak, "Kokichi-"

_No._

**"Shut up!** Shut up shut up shut up shut up!" Kokichi screamed, practically pulling his hair out, "I don't want your fucking pity! I don't want your damn sorrys! Just leave me the fuck alone and treat me like you used to! You know what I think?! I fucking deserved to be killed! I fucking deserved to get the shit beat out of me! So just keep on despising me! Keep on fucking hating me!" 

Shuichi stood up, approaching Kokichi, "Kokichi-"

His eyes were burning, he was furious, "No! Shut up! Don't you fucking 'Kokichi' me! You're the last one I want pity from! I fucking told you about this, I fucking told you my feelings, but nooooooo, you told me I was fucking lying when I was telling you the truth for once! You're the last person I want this pity bullshit from! Fuck you Saihara!" Kokichi pointed his finger in Shuichi's face, snarling, using his last name as offense to injury.

The aforementioned boy grabbed Kokichi's wrist, trying to get him to calm down, but it only infuriated him further.

 ** _"Let go of me!"_** Kokichi ripped his arm from the weak grasp, slapping Shuichi straight across the face. 

Shuichi's eyes widened, hand going up to touch where he had been hit. He stood still, not knowing what to do.

Kokichi walked out of the room without another word. He walked briskly down the hall, stepping up his pace as he heard someone following,

"Kokichi!" Rantarou called out, "Talk to me! Stop acting like this, talk to me!"

Pausing and looking over his shoulder, murder in his eyes, "Don't you dare fucking follow me,  _Rantarou."_

He took of sprinting.

 

_\----------------------------------------------------_

 

_Oh, oh, oh... mistakes had been made. How could he ever go back on this? The answer was: he couldn't._

Kokichi skipped lunch. And dinner. 

Actually, Kokichi didn't leave his room even once that day. He locked his room and refused to open to anyone who knocked. Rantarou, Shuichi, and Angie were the three most frequent knockers. It killed Kokichi inside to ignore Shuichi, but he couldn't face him. 

He filled the room with cigarette smoke, the nicotine taking the edge off, if only slightly. 

Scraping at the skin on his wrist, Kokichi suddenly had a bad idea. Something to distract him. Something to make him feel an emotion aside from humiliation and embarrassment. 

_Yeah. Yeah. Anything to distract himself._

Once again, he shoved his hand beneath his mattress and pulled out the boxcutter and fentanyl patches. 

He cut open one of the patches, squeezing the clear and watery gel-like substance into the palm of his hand. He brought it to his nose and smelled it, surprised to not smell anything. It looked pretty harmless.

He knew it wasn't. He knew this shit was 50 to 100 times more potent than morphine. It was incredibly addictive and dangerous, but it wasn't any more dangerous than Kokichi was to himself. 

Kokichi licked the tasteless gel off his hand and swallowed.

The high hit him like a wave. He had obviously been high off weed before, but this was so different. Kokichi felt so connected to his environment, thinking he could see more of it than usual.

It scared him.

Kokichi began freaking out, the high too much for him. His breathing became unsteady and his heart rate rose.

_What the hell had he done?_

_There was no going back now._

_Give up. Give up. Give up. Give up._

Another patch was cut open and more gel was swallowed.

The boxcutter was about to have another use.

He started at his wrists, pushing his sleeves up and slitting his wrists without a single moment of trepidation. Again. Again. Again. Then again. It hurt so badly, more than being beaten, but he kept going, he needed to. Kokichi slit his things, right through his pants. 

_Blood, blood, so much blood._

Crying, laughing, shouting... Kokichi felt everything. The fentanyl made him happy yet jittery and paranoid. He felt pain. He felt helplessness. Every emotion known to man... he felt them. 

Just last night, Kokichi had come to terms with the situation. Last night, he planned to stay alive. But now... he wanted to die. He didn't want anyone to know about his struggles, about his death wish. He'd rather fucking die than have that pity. He didn't want to be treated like he was mental, even if he was. He'd rather they acted like they always did, looking down on his in disgust.

This was it. Kokichi was going to do it.

Kokichi Ouma held the blade to his neck...

_and he sliced._

 

_\----------------------------------------------------_

 

Shuichi was sitting in his room, across from Kokichi's, trying to think through what happened. He felt guilty for accusing Kokichi of lying about everything he had tried to tell him. 

He was alerted by a scream.

It was from Kokichi's room.

Rushing out the door, Shuichi pounded on Kokichi's door, "Let me in! Open the door Kokichi!" Shuichi shouted, getting as loud as possible.

Sobbing and screaming rang out from within.

He needed to get in there. Using all of his strength, Shuichi kicked the door, over and over and over and over again. It opened.

The sight was gruesome. Kokichi was on the floor, sobbing. Blood was puddled on the  floor from his wrists and thighs... and his neck. Cut open fentanyl patches were scattered across the floor, some within the blood. It made Shuichi sick.

Shuichi screamed at the top of his lungs,  _ **"Someone get a doctor! Kokichi is going to die!"**_

 

_**\----------------------------------------------------** _

 

Kokichi was rushed to the ER. He passed out just a minute after Shuichi found him.

All fifteen students waited in the hospital waiting room for news. No news came. Nothing. Everyone trickled out slowly, returning to their rooms for the night. 

Shuichi stayed behind.

He thought about losing Kokichi. If Kokichi died... how would Shuichi feel? Just the thought of it... his heart ached. He didn't know what this feeling was. Shuichi just wanted to see the boy's smile again. He didn't want to see him in pain anymore.

Shuichi wished he had gotten to know Kokichi better while in the game. Guilt overtook him as he began to overthink.

_Was this his fault? If he had just listened to Kokichi and stopped doubting him, maybe Kokichi wouldn't have felt this way. God... this hurt so much. This hurt far more than being slapped._

_Please... please just be okay. Shuichi wanted to talk to him, to hear his voice, to comfort him and let him know that it was going to be okay. No one would doubt him anymore, no one would hate him._

It was stressful. There was no ending to the worry.

Shuichi wanted Kokichi to be okay. Shuichi  _needed_ Kokichi to be okay. 

He wished upon start, upon gods, upon everything he could for luck. 

Shuichi fell asleep in the uncomfortable waiting room chair, dreaming nightmares of what he had seen. Nightmares of Kokichi dying in hundreds, thousands of ways.

_Please don't die._

 

 

 


	6. losing a loved one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> shuichi is sick with worry
> 
> is kokichi better or is he worse?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all better appreciate the research on slit throats i did for this smh i almost lost my lunch from it
> 
> hmu un tumblr @acidicprince or on insta @milkyxxprince to scream about danganronpa with me
> 
> also isnt it quite ironic for a lesbian to be writing a gay fanfic??? eh

_Tick tock. Tick tock. Tick tock._

Shuichi stared at the clock, wondering when news about Kokichi's state to come.

Could he have prevented this? In his mind, Shuichi knew that the answer was 'no', but he couldn't help but blame himself. Kokichi was right. He had indeed told him about all of this, about all of his feelings... but Shuichi didn't listen. God... for a detective, he really was dense. He really wished that he had believed Kokichi and accepted his feelings. 

If Kokichi hadn't been lying about his mental struggles... than had he been telling the truth about being in love with Shuichi? 

_No way... Kokichi was dating Rantarou. They were always together, smiling and laughing, holding hands. Rantarou could be seen looking lovingly at the shorter boy._

_But... Shuichi had never seen Kokichi looking at Rantarou the same way. Huh..._

Shuichi stood up for the first time in over 16 hours, wincing at the pain in his knees. He left the waiting room, walking to the dining hall. Thankfully, he found everyone gathered there. It was... so quiet. It reminded Shuichi of how quiet it would always be after a 'punishment' was executed. 

Fourteen pairs of eyes landed on him, waiting for the news.

"Uh... there's no news, but I had a question... Rantarou can you go out in the hall for a minute?"

Raising an eyebrow in confusion, Rantarou stood up and answered, "Suspicious, but alright..." He left the room and closed the door behind him.

Shuichi walked over to the table, "Alright, I know this is going to sound... odd, but I'm investigating something. Have any of you seen Rantarou and Kokichi being all lovey around? Or did any of you  even know they were dating?"

The responses formed a chorus of 'no's, laced with confusion. The only person who stayed silent was Miu, who seemed oddly quiet and nervous.

"Miu... why do you look so nervous? Do you know something about this...?"

"U-um... no!" Miu stuttered, obviously lying.

"Could you come out to the hall?"

Miu stood up, hanging her head in defeat. Shuichi led her out the door, leaving 12 confused friends behind, left to wonder what exactly was going on. 

Outside the dining hall, Shuichi questioned Rantarou first, "You're dating Kokichi, aren't you?"

"Yeah, of course I am." Rantarou laughed, "Is that a problem?"

Shuichi turned to Miu, "What do you know about this?"

"U-um.. nothing. I don't know anything."

"Miu, if I can sense Kokichi's lies, then I can sense yours too. Tell me the truth."

Miu backed against the wall, "Uhhh... w-well..."

Rantarou looked at Miu, eyes begging her not to speak.

"Well..." Miu looked at Rantarou, trying to hold herself back from spilling. "It's fake! It's all a lie! They aren't really dating! I'm sorry Rantarou! Shuichi is s-scary when he's grilling me! Kokichi wanted to make you jealous! Rantarou thought the plan would be fun s-so he went along with it! Whenever I asked you to meet me somewhere, it was so that you would see them together and get frustrated!"

Sighing, Shuichi nodded, "Alright... I get it now. Thank you Miu, that's enough." He walked away, hearing Rantarou scolding Miu as he did so.

 

_\----------------------------------------------------_

 

Once again, Shuichi was sitting in the waiting room. His head was resting on his hand, a tired look on his face.

_It was a fake relationship. A goddamn fake relationship. What was this, a reality TV show?_

It was all so much more than Shuichi could comprehend. He had so many questions he needed to ask Kokichi, the most prominent one being:  _Why?_

_Why had Kokichi went through so much trouble? Had he been that serious about being so in love with Shuichi? No way, there's no way. Kokichi, the Ultimate Supreme Leader, would truly be in love with someone as lame as himself._

Shuichi didn't hate himself, no, he didn't want to die. He wasn't in the same boat as Kokichi, but he knew that he wasn't exactly the most popular or social person out there. It didn't make sense to him that someone as outgoing and as much of a leader as Kokichi, even if that were partly a facade, would be into someone as average and passive as himself. 

He thought about what a relationship with Kokichi would be like... he honestly had no idea. Since he found out the relationship with Rantarou was fake, he didn't know if Kokichi would really be like what he had acted like in a relationship. Would he act so... cute?

The voice of a doctor interrupted Shuichi's pondering.

"Excuse me?"

Shuichi's head shot up, "Yes?"

"We have news about Kokichi Ouma."

 

_\----------------------------------------------------_

 

Rantarou sat in the courtyard, sulking alone.

Now that the secret of him and Kokichi's relationship was out to Shuichi, Rantarou knew Kokichi would no longer act affectionate toward him. He had grown fond of his fake boyfriend. 

_He still hadn't gotten his part of the deal._

Rantarou had an idea.

_No... he couldn't. That would be wrong..._

_But it was so, so tempting._

Rantarou was a fundamentally good person. However, that didn't mean he didn't have cruel ideas sometimes. 

_He could use his request to make Kokichi stay with him._

It was so frustrating. Rantarou knew that doing it would make him have what he wanted, but it was so difficult to pull of such an asshole move. Shit, he hated that he was such a nice person. He wanted Kokichi so badly, so fucking badly. But he knew that Kokichi didn't want him. Kokichi wanted Shuichi. Kokichi didn't want Rantarou. Rantarou began this fake relationship knowing this, but it hurt so badly to accept it.

He knew he couldn't force Kokichi to be with him.

It hurt. He had fallen in love with someone who had fallen for another person, and it hurt. The ache in his heart was something he had never felt before.

Rantarou cried, wishing for someone to come, for someone to comfort him.

But no one came.

 

_\----------------------------------------------------_

 

Shuichi covered his face with his hands, breaking into sobs.

_Oh my god... oh my god..._

He was overwhelmed by sudden emotion, unable to do so much as to think straight.

_Kokichi was..._

_alive._

The amount of relief that Shuichi felt was indescribable. It had been nearly an entire day of constant worry, an entire day of not eating or drinking. Now... he could finally rest easily.

The doctor told him that Kokichi was alive and stable. His stomach had been pumped, managing to get most of the fentanyl out before it did any serious damage. Shuichi was told that the amount Kokichi consumed was beyond deadly, and he was extremely lucky to have received care so quickly. As for the slits on his thighs, wrists, and throat... thankfully, Kokichi hadn't managed to cut any major arteries or his windpipe. HIs neck and wrists received stitches. The cuts on his thighs were only superficial, Kokichi's pants protecting his legs from any major cuts, and so they were cleaned and dressed with no problems. No so thankfully, they were definitely going to leave scars.

Shuichi settled himself down before going to visit Kokichi. He felt a tad guilty not telling everyone the news right away, but he wanted to be alone with Kokichi for a bit before everyone was rushing in to make sure he was okay. He visited the bathroom and splashed his face with water to get rid of the dried tear stains. 

Walking into Kokichi's hospital room, Shuichi broke out in a rare smile. There he was. His eyes were closed and his silky hair was splayed across the pillow beneath his head. 

Again, Shuichi felt intense relief. There he was... he looked so peaceful lying there, aside from the stitches on his neck.

Shuichi pulled a chair up to his bedside, sitting down and looking at the boy. Nervously, he reached his hand out and ran it through Kokichi's hair. 

_So soft..._

Without opening his eyes, Kokichi mumbled, "Is it Rantarou...?"

"It's Shuichi."

Violet eyes opened and met Shuichi's, "Sh-Shuichi."

"Yeah, it's me." Shuichi continued to play with Kokichi's hair.

"Why am I alive?"

"Because you deserve to be. Kokichi, everyone was worried sick about you. For god's sake, I sat in that waiting room for almost an entire day just waiting to hear the news about you. Please, don't you dare ever do that again. I don't want to lose you for real." Shuichi grabbed one of Kokichi's hands and squeezed it tightly.

Kokichi sniffled, tearing up, "I'm sorry. Sh-Shuichi... I don't wanna die. I wanna live. I really, really don't wanna die. I can't believe you're here... especially after what I said, and after I slapped you..."

Shuichi gave him a soft smile, "You speaking to me like that is what made me realize where I went wrong. When you told me about your struggles and your feelings, I thought it was another one of your lies. I'm sorry, Kokichi. I'm not going to think you're dishonest any longer. I... talked to Rantarou and Miu. I know about your plan. I know that you and Rantarou aren't really together. Do you really... like me enough to do something like that?" He knew this wasn't exactly the best time to talk about this, but they were alone and he wanted to know.

Even in this state, Kokichi's face still heated up with a blush, "I told you before... I-I'm in love with you Shuichi." Unlike most, Kokichi stuttered when he told the truth, not when he lied.

It was Shuichi's turn to blush now, averting his eyes. He was embarrassed by hearing it now that he knew it wasn't a lie. 

"I really r-really want to be with you. I know that you don't feel the same way, but I can't help it. I've never felt this way about someone before, and I hate that I'm feeling this way. I'm supposed to be the Ultimate Supreme Leader! Evil leaders don't fall in love!" Kokichi pouted, grumbling to himself.

It was comforting to see Kokichi acting like this, stubborn and expressive. Shuichi knew that part of what Kokichi thought was his "facade" was real, maybe not the evil part, but the expressive, leader, and stubborn parts, they were all real. He hoped that Kokichi would grow to show his true self.

"Kokichi, even evil leaders can have emotions, they can fall in love like anyone else. I don't quite understand how you can be in love with someone as average and mundane as me-"

"You aren't average! You're... really cool. You were able to solve all of the mysteries you were presented with... it was so cool. Plus, of course, you're both hot and cute at the same time? Ahhhh, you're just really cool okay. I hate being nice and giving compliments but all I can think about all the time is you and you're stupid face and how it would feel to be in your arms and I can handle it! I hate love! Love can go die!" 

Shuichi's blush returned, "I don't exactly know how I feel, or what to call this emotion... but I know that I felt frustrated, jealous even, when I saw you with Rantarou. I think you're beautiful, Kokichi, and cute too. I can't call it love yet, because I'm not certain, but... I'd like to try getting closer to you, and maybe even have a relationship."

_Oh my god, Shuichi Saihara liked him back! He had feelings for him! Even if it wasn't love yet, it was a start!_

Kokichi was beyond excited. Only one thing would make this better, "Hey, Shuichi... lean closer."

Not understanding the reason of this request, Shuichi leaned down closer to Kokichi.

Kokichi grabbed Shuichi by the collar  _ **and he kissed him.**  _


	7. i'm mental honey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kokichi is discharged 
> 
> shuichi loses his dignity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NSFW WARNING!!!!!!!!!! its barely any butttttttt just thought id warn incase 
> 
> this chapter is a bit shorter than normal, but i'll try to make up for that tomorrow

Kokichi decided that he wanted to surprise the others. Instead of having Shuichi tell everyone that he was awake and in a stable condition, Kokichi wanted to leave everyone in the dark and just show up at breakfast one day! It was a bit cruel, but Kokichi was a bit cruel too, so it worked out perfectly. 

In most hospitals, Kokichi would have been required to stay for a week at the least. Here was a little different. Since the hospital was attached to the living area, Kokichi was allowed to go back to the normal living area after only two days. The only catch was that he needed to go back to the hospital everyday to have his vitals and recovery progress checked. Oh- and he was forced to see a psychologist (that was his least favorite part). 

Shuichi felt a pang of guilt, lying to his friends about Kokichi's state... but he knew he would be forgiven for the lie.

Two days later, Shuichi sat at the table for breakfast, bouncing his leg in anticipation. He finally understood how people got a thrill out of things like this, it was exciting, waiting to see everyone's reactions. 

Tojo was serving food as always. Despite being told she didn't need to do this everyday, Tojo claimed she enjoyed it. Everyone enjoyed her food, so they argued no further on the subject. 

In the span of around fifteen minutes, everyone trickled in, sitting down at the table and making idle conversation as they waited on their food. The air was littered with chit chat when the sound of the doors opening silenced the group. Everyone was here... so who could it be?

A voice rang out through the room.

"Ahahaha! You all thought you could get rid of me for real this time? Think again! Back From The Dead Part Two: The Sequel!" Kokichi held up a peace sign as he laughed. He was smiling cheerfully, but he was still a sore sight to see. He still had Maki's black eye, although it wasn't swollen anymore, just bruised. Black stiches laced his neck, and his sleeves were rolled up, showing the stitches on his wrists as well. His voice was hoarse due to the stomach pumping as well. Overall, it just looked as if all the life had been drained from his body. His skin was paler than normal, and he was down to his skin and bones. 

Angie and Rantarou stood up from their chairs immediately, rushing over to him.

"Ouma! God, I was worried sick about you!" Rantarou captured Kokichi in a hug, picking him up off the ground. 

Kokichi grumbled, fighting being hugged, "Amami- let me goooooo!" He acted angry, but couldn't keep a smile off of his face. Rantarou seemed so genuinely happy to see Kokichi, and it made him feel happy, like he was wanted. 

After being let down, he was attacked with another hug- this time from Angie.

"I knew you'd be back, Atua told me so!" she leaned in close to his ear, "Once you're in the clear, we should have another late night together. It was really fun last time!"

Nodding, Kokichi surprisingly hugged her back, "Thank you, Angie." He hoped nobody heard him thanking her, hell, he still had a reputation to uphold!

Shuichi got up after Angie and Rantarou let go of Kokichi. He gave him a soft smile and a gentle hug, "It's good to have you back here with everybody."

Kokichi took a seat next to Shuichi. Everyone talked to him as if they really cared, it was really nice. Maybe, just maybe, he could get used to this.

 

_\----------------------------------------------------_

 

After breakfast, Kokichi went to visit the psychologist. He was anything but excited, but he knew it would be for the best... probably. 

The appointment didn't take too long, but Kokichi certainly left the room crying! Yay, more tears!

Kokichi ran to Shuichi's room, opening the door without knocking, "Saihara!"

_Fuck._

He had managed to walk in at possibly the worst moment someone could be caught in. To put it in the best and most simple words possible... Kokichi had walked in on Shuichi jacking off.

Shuichi was quick to pull the sheets up over himself, face turning a bright red hue, "Kokichi! H-haven't you ever heard of knocking?!" He covered his face with his  hands, "Oh my god..."

Kokichi's face was nearly as red as Shuichi's, despite himself not being revealed. He had just seen the person  _he was in **love** with _jacking off! It was embarrassing how quickly that put bad thoughts into his head. 

Both boys avoided eye contact, just wallowing in the awkward silence. 

"Um-" Kokichi started.

"D-don't. Just... just go. Please, spare me from even more humiliation." Shuichi had a begging tone to his voice.

Kokichi really,  _really,_ didn't want to go. He knew that they weren't even dating, but Kokichi had the strongest urge to just...  _do something._

So, instead of leaving like he was asked to... Kokichi closed the door and walked to Shuichi's bedside.

"Um... Kokichi? This isn't leaving, why are you not leaving?"

Kokichi pouted, "Hmph, c'mon... why can't I stay?"

"Seriously, Kokichi-! Stop it, can you please just leave, this is humiliating enough as it is."

But Kokichi didn't stop.

"Oh c'mon, Shuichi..." Kokichi slip his hand under the sheet, going down, down,  _down_ until...

_Slap._

Shuichi slapped Kokichi across the face, a reversal of what had happened before, "I said  **no** Kokichi. Get out of here."

_Fuck, fuck, fuck. Kokichi had fucked up bad._

"I-I'm sorry Shuichi.." Kokichi stammered.

Shuichi looked hurt, "Please, Kokichi, just go."

There was nothing left to do except leave. Kokichi left, his head hung low. He was ashamed of himself.

 

_\----------------------------------------------------_

 

The courtyard had become Kokichi's thinking place. 

He seated himself on one of the benches and crossed his legs, unable to clear his mess of a mind. Kokichi had believed today was going to be good. Breakfast with the others had been really fun, it made him happy. Getting along with people was quite satisfying. The day had gone downhill from there. During his meeting with the psychologist... Kokichi had been diagnosed with BPD- Borderline Personality Disorder. That was the reason he had been crying.

Kokichi hated it. He hated that he had been legitimately diagnosed with a mental disorder. He didn't want anyone to think he was insane, truly mental. Kokichi just wanted to be like everyone else.  

To add to the shitload of the day, of course there was the incident with Shuichi. Kokichi was furious with himself. How could he have done that? He had heard Shuichi say no, heard him say stop, but Kokichi pushed his luck too far. He had been overwhelmed by attraction and gone too far. There was no excuse for what he did, and Kokichi didn't know how he could make it up to the other.

It was extremely difficult to keep his head up. God, Kokichi just wanted to go slit his throat again. Today was a goddamn trainwreck. He could hear his companions telling him to be strong and smile, but it was impossible. Half of his brain said that he really should kill himself, and the other half told him that he wanted to live. 

There were two different people inside his brain, or at least, that's what it felt like. One moment he'd be begging to die, and the next he'd be begging to live. Why couldn't he understand himself?

The psychologist had tried to explain the disorder to him earlier, but Kokichi just couldn't get it through his head. His main question was  _why?_ Why was he like this? Was it his fault? Was he just overreacting? Was he unconsciously doing this for attention? If not, then why did he get stuck with this dumbass problem opposed to literally anyone else? It wasn't fair, no matter how he tried to think of it.

Of course, half of him believed he deserved to suffer like this, and half of him said that he deserved to be happy. Which voice was he supposed to believe?

"ARGH!" Kokichi shouted, letting his frustration out, "FUCK THIS!" 

Huh... shouting actually helped a lot. Kokichi continued.

"WHY THE HELL DO I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS BULLSHIT?!" 

Amidst his shouting, Rantarou had come outside, chuckling.

"Hey, Ouma, shouting at the sky? Mind if I join?"

Glancing at Rantarou, Kokichi nodded, "Yeah. Go ahead. Show me what you've got."

Giving it his all, Rantarou shouted, "UNREQUITED LOVE SUCKS ASS!"

"Nice try- but listen to this," Kokichi grinned, "I WANT TO FUCKING KILL MYSELF HALF THE TIME!"

"Ah... I gotta give it to ya', you're way better at this than I am." Rantarou took a seat, "Can I talk to you for a minute though? It's something a bit more serious than cursing the sky out."

"Of course, go on, talk to me."

"Our fake relationship is over... isn't it?"

"...yeah. I think it is."

Rantarou sighed, "That's what I thought. Listen, I know I agreed to this knowing that it wasn't real... but I fell in love with you, Kokichi." He folded his hands in his lap, waiting for a reaction.

Kokichi was dead silent.

"Kokichi...? Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I'm... fine. I'm just trying to understand how that can be true. I don't really get how someone could fall in love with me, much less someone like you. I know that I'm in love with Shuichi, but Rantarou, you've been such a good friend. We barely even knew one another and you were willing to help me with my stupid ass gay fucking plan. You're really attractive, not in a weird way, I just know when someone is attractive looking. You're a really caring person. I'm anything but that. I'm mental and insane, so it just confuses me that you have feelings for me. It confuses me how anybody was even worried about me."

"I know that what I say isn't just going to stop you from feeling that way about yourself, but you aren't insane. You having a mental disorder doesn't mean that it defines you. You're a lot more than that, and I know that both myself and Saihara see that. I'm not going to try to make you be with me, but just know I'm here for you when you need me."

"Thank you, Rantarou..."

"Now what do you say we yell at the sky a bit longer? I think I could use it."

"Yeah."

Shouting at the sky had never felt so liberating.


	8. more than all the stars in the sky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kokichi and shuichi have a talk
> 
> angie hears about art therapy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's a pleasant chapter, enjoy it while you can!!
> 
> kokichi is just,,,,,,, so small,,,,,,, i,,,, loaf him,,, pls loaf him too,,,,
> 
> im going,,, insane,,,,, two more weeks of school,,,, so..... close.......

_Blood, blood, blood._

_So much blood._

_Kokichi looked into the mirror, screaming as blood ran down his face. His eyes, his ears, his nose, his mouth... they were all dripping with blood. It was horrendous, but not nearly as horrendous as what happened next._

_The boy's face began to melt like candle wax. He brought his hands up and tried to push the mess of flesh back into place. He shrieked out in pain, finding the skin hot to the touch._

_A voice came from inside his head:_

**_Die. Die. Die._ **

**_Nobody wants you here._ **

**_Everyone hates you._ **

**_Die._ **

_"No! No! Stop it! Please, stop it!" Kokichi screamed, trying to cover his ears. Nothing could block the noise out. It was like television static, loud and unending._

_Dozens of hands reached out and grasped at Kokichi, tearing his shirt to pieces and scratching his skin. He was being torn to pieces. HIs screams no longer made noise. He was stuck, he couldn't move, he-_

 

_\----------------------------------------------------_

 

Kokichi awoke with a scream, his shirt damp from his sweat. 

_Fuck, fuck... thank god, it was a dream._

Still, he was shaken up, seeing himself is such a grotesque manner. He pushed himself out of bed, stripping his shirt off. All he had on was a pair of grey boxer briefs, but he didn't put anything more on. He peeked his head out of his door, making sure nobody was around before leaving his room. He took a few steps across the hall and knocked softly on Shuichi's door, not expecting a response. Kokichi opened the door slowly, tiptoeing inside.

He walked to Shuichi's bedside and gently shook the sleeping detective, trying to wake him up.

Shuichi grumbled, stirring but not opening his eyes.

"Shuichi, Shuichi wake up." Kokichi shook him a bit more. 

With a yn, Shuichi opened his eyes, "Huh? Kokichi? It's the middle of the night... why are you here...? And why are you basically naked?" His voice was groggy, deeper than usual. It was... hot.

He hadn't been embarrassed when he first came over here, but now he was certainly embarrassed, "U-um... I... had a nightmare..." He looked down at the floor, realizing how childish he seemed right now.

Shuichi laughed a little, thinking to himself how cute this was, "...cute. Here, lay down with me."

Kokichi was relieved that Shuichi wasn't still angry at him, climbing into bed. It was a twin sized bed, so it was a tight fit. It was comforting though, feeling another person's body heat. Taking advantage of the close quarters, Kokichi snuggled up to Shuichi. 

Shuichi responded by putting his arms around Kokichi.

Both of their hearts were beating quickly, the tips of Shuichi's ears burned red, and Kokichi's cheeks were tinted pink. 

Shuichi had a lot of thoughts on his mind... and every single one of them were about Kokichi.

_Why was his so cute? Was he always this tiny? He really was the perfect size to hold. Would... would it be wrong to kiss him right now? What was this feeling he was having? Why did he want to stay in this position forever? Kokichi was just so... sweet when he was like this. Shuichi enjoyed seeing this vulnerable side of the so called 'evil' boy._

_God, just fucking go for it Shuichi!_

"Hey, um, Kokichi?" Shuichi forced the words out of his mouth.

"Yeah?" Kokichi gazed up at Shuichi.

"Can I... can I kiss you?"

Kokichi hadn't expected that at all. Shuichi wasn't that forward of a person usually... he liked it. How could he ever say no to a request like that?

"Yeah." 

Shuichi leaned down and connected their lips.

_Wow._

Kokichi let his eyes flutter closed, reveling in the feeling. He was kissing Shuichi Saihara. He was kissing the idiot detective who he had fallen in love with the moment he met him. In this moment, he felt nothing negative. No worries floated in his head, no bad thoughts. Their lips fit so perfectly together, it was like nothing Kokichi had experiences. Whenever somebody had claimed 'sparks flew' when they kissed, he never believed him. Now he understood. It felt like electricity. It was perfect, more perfect that he could have ever imagined.

The pair split, looking into each other's eyes. 

Silence had never been more amazing.

"Kokichi, um..." Shuichi averted his eyes, "Would you go out with me?" 

_Well if asking to be kissed was a pleasant surprise, then this was a miracle! His love had asked him out! He asked him out! Kokichi had expected to be the one who asked Shuichi out, but this was amazing._

"Goddammit you know the answer." Kokichi blushed terribly, playfully shoving Shuichi.

Shuichi couldn't help but smile at Kokichi, teasing him, "Say it. Tell me your answer Kokichi." 

"Ughhhhh, yes, you big dumb fucking idiot!" Kokichi buried his face in Shuichi's chest, "I'm so happy..."

_God, he was just too cute..._

Shuichi played with Kokichi's hair, kissing the top of his head. He hated that Kokichi had managed to steal his heart so quickly, but he supposed this was the power of the Ultimate Supreme Leader. "Your hair is really pretty. It's so much longer than it was before. I could play with it forever, honestly."

"Stop ittttt, why are you like this right nowwww? You'd usually be to nervous to say things like that." 

"I don't. Maybe it's just because I'm really tired."

"Awh shit, now I feel bad. I'm sorry for waking you up. We can go to sleep now if you want."

"Eh, I'd rather stay up and talk to you some more."

"Well, I'm not going to argue with that. Honestly, I don't want to go back to sleep just yet. I've spent some late nights talking with other people, but a late night with you sounds the best. Oh... I wanted to apologize for earlier today. I... really  _really **really**_ hate apologizing, but I feel really bad. I know it isn't an excuse, but I had just gotten out of my meeting with the psychologist and was upset. I didn't think about how you felt, so... I'm sorry."

Shuichi kept playing with his hair, humming, "Don't worry, I forgive you. I just don't want to go too fast. I should have locked my door anyways." he let out a laugh, ruffling Kokichi's hair to mess it up.

"Hey! you're ruining my hairrrr! Shuichiiii!" Kokichi whined, but had a light tone in his voice, "Can I tell you something?"

"Of course. You're my boyfriend now, so you can tell me anything."

"I got diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder."

"Oh. Is it good to know what causes you to feel the way you do?"

"I mean, I like having an explanation for the way I'm feeling, but I hate thinking that I'm mental." Kokichi shifted so that he was face to face with Shuichi.

Nodding, Shuichi seemed to understand, "I can kind of imaging how that would feel. But trust me, no one just sees you as mental, myself included."

"Thanks. I don't really want anyone to know about this, but I trust you with it. I know you won't pity me or treat me differently because of it. You and Rantarou are the only ones who know, and I'll probably tell Angie."

Shuichi was happy that Kokichi trusted him enough, it was the same kind of feeling he had when he connected with Kaede. "I'll always be here for you, okay? Even if I'm awkward with emotions like we both know I am, I'll do my best to sheer you up and support you," he reassured Kokichi, "By the way, Angie... when did you get so close to her? There's nothing wrong with it, I just never expected you two to become such good friends."

Looking to the side awkwardly Kokichi answered sheepishly, "Well, you see... I had a nightmare and was going outside to have a cigarette, but I ran into Angie. Long story short she had weed and we got high together, deep conversations ensued. 

"Ah, should have expected that from her. I'm glad you're making friends now."

"Honestly... I am too. Thank you for helping me get more comfortable being myself."

"You don't need to thank me."

"Well, I wanna." Kokichi's sentence trailed off with a yawn.

"You tired?"

"A little bit..." he admitted.

"Let's get some sleep."

"That sounds nice."

"Goodnight Kokichi."

"Goodnight Shuichi."

They fell asleep, wrapped up in each other's arms.

 

_\----------------------------------------------------_

 

Kokichi and Shuichi walked together to the dining hall, hand in hand. Everyone immediately knew what was going on, grinning at the couple. It was as if they had all been expecting it. Both of them were sporting blushed cheeks, but tried to ignore it.

Although the others had expected this to happen, but they didn't expect such a big change in Kokichi.

Kokichi was smiling from ear to ear. He let out a joyful, "Good morning!" 

Himiko leaned over to Tenko and whispered, "What happened to Kokichi... this is really weird..." Tenko nodded in agreement.

There was suspicion towards Kokichi's bright demeanor, but no one questioned it. It was a very pleasant breakfast for once.

After everyone had finished, Angie pulled Kokichi aside, "Atua and I want to congratulate you on your relationship! I knew you could do it!"

"Thanks Angie. I wanted to talk to you about something too." Kokichi made sure no one was listening, "I got diagnosed with BPD."

"Oh... on no! I know that isn't a good thing, but it gives me a great idea! See... I just learned about art therapy. It's supposed to help you work through your emotions and let it all out in a healthy way! Do you want to try it?"

"I mean... sure. It sounds like it could be fun."

"Great! Come with me!" Angie grabbed Kokichi's wrist and pulled him along, not allowing him to even say bye to anyone. It was fine though, Kokichi had come to appreciate Andie's overzealousness for life.

 

_\----------------------------------------------------_

 

It may have taken them over an hour, but Angie and Kokichi had finally found something Kokichi was good at and enjoyed. They had tried drawing, painting, sculpting, anything you could possibly think of. They ended up landing on origami.

Kokichi's small hands made it easy to work with the paper, and he felt satisfied seeing the final product. 

He sat in Angie's room, creating little paper stars out of thin strips of paper. They were really cute and easy to make. Even though it wasn't really letting his emotions out, it made him feel calm. It kept his mind focused on the stars he was crafting instead of any bad thought that would normally pop into his brain every five seconds. 

Angie was seated on the floor next to him, joining him in making the stars, "Have you heard what these stars are meant to do?"

"Hm? What is it?"

"It's said that if you make one thousand of these and make a wish, that wish will come true!" Angie's eyes lit up as she explained.

"Huh... that's actually really interesting. Do you think I could make a thousand of these for Shuichi?"

"That would be so sweet! I think he would love that! You're such a cute little boyfriend for him!"

Kokichi blushed, "Shut upppp, I just want to make him happy. I want to make him more than all the stars in the sky, just to show him my thanks and my love."

"You know what Kokichi? I think he'd love it even if it were only one star. He's a good person, and I don't think he needs any gifts to see that you care. It should make him happy though."

"I really love Shuichi."

"I know."


	9. relapse is inevitable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> shuichi hates that he can't heal kokichi
> 
> kokichi is trying his best

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank y'all for letting me do a fluffy chapter last time my heart needed it. now back to your regularly scheduled angst 
> 
> GUYS JGJNKDBSXKNFDJGRN B V I HAVE THE SAME BIRTHDAY AS KOKICHI IM SCREAMING IM SO HAPPY ktMWsw LAEIURY8LT;UO4FE WRITER.EXE HAS STOPPED WORKING i now have a reason to live life is good god is real

The next few days were uneventful. 

Kokichi was sleeping back in his own room. Shuichi woke up early every morning, showering and then waking Kokichi up. Shuichi walked with Kokichi to go get his vitals checked each day before heading to breakfast. After breakfast Kokichi went with Angie to her room and made paper stars for awhile. Kokichi wandered around after that, usually running into Rantarou in the courtyard and hanging out with him. Then, Kokichi would go to Shuichi. The only time when Kokichi was alone for an extended period of time was at night.

Kokichi still had nightmares almost every night, but he managed them on his own. As much as he wanted to go and wake Shuichi up to comfort him, he didn't want to bother him, to annoy him. His worst fear was being a bother.

Every night, he woke up in a panicked state. He was barely getting any sleep at this point. The nightmares wouldn't stop. He fell asleep around midnight and woke up by one with horrors in his mind. He never fell back asleep. Shuichi may have thought the boy was sleeping, since his eyes were closed when he came in every morning, but that was just pretend. It was a lie. Kokichi was lying.  _What a big surprise. Ultimate Supreme Leader? More like Ultimate Supreme Liar._

It was like any other day, mostly. Kokichi woke up half an hour after falling asleep, not just sweating this time but also  _crying._

_Oh, great. Fun. Fantastic. Brilliant. The best thing since sliced bread._

Kokichi paced around his room, wondering why he couldn't stop crying. He couldn't even remember what the nightmare had been about- so why the hell was he still crying?

_Shit, fuck, dammit! Pathetic, fuck up, a bother, fuck!_

Kokichi grasped his hair, grunting in frustration. He hated this feeling, this feeling of worthlessness, of uselessness. God, he just needed to get his mind off of this. 

 _Yeah, yeah... just get his mind off of it...._ Kokichi knew exactly what to do.

He looked down at his wrists, the thin black threads lacing the wounds together like shoelaces. He brought his wrist to his mouth and clenched the string between his teeth.

_This is just like ripping a bandaid off, no big deal, no problem..._

Squeezing his eyes shut tightly in anticipation, Kokichi jerked his head to the side. It was difficult to suppress the scream that wished to escape his mouth. It hurt, it hurt so bad. His skin was torn open, even worse than the original cut had been. 

He needed to finish what he started.

The five other stitches were ripped out as well. His skin was torn, top layer separating from the tender new skin beneath. 

Kokichi stared at his arms.

_What the hell had he just done?! Oh my god why? Why the fuck had he done this? He had just been getting better, he was happy since he was with Shuichi, right? He had fucked up so bad. His arms held a pain greater than any pain before, he couldn't handle it. It was too much. He was panicking._

_Shuichi._

_He needed Shuichi._

Kokichi ran out of his room, not even trying to mask his sobs. He opened Shuichi's door and didn't bother closing it. He rushed to the bedside of his partner, shaking him violently, "Shuichi! Shuichi please wake up! H-help, help me!"

Shuichi woke up with a jolt, sitting up, "Kokichi? What's wrong? Are you okay?!" He was immediately worried, seeing how terrified Kokichi seemed to be.

Holding up his arms, Kokichi showed Shuichi his wrists, "I-I did something bad. Please, please help me. It h-hurts Shuichi! I d-don't know why I did it!" Kokichi sobbed hiding his face in his hands, "H-help me please... I-I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I-I'm sorry Shuichi!" 

It was difficult to stay calm in this situation, but Shuichi knew Kokichi would panic even more if he panicked as well, "Hey, hey, take a deep breath okay? Let's go get a nurse." Shuichi got out of bed. He knew he couldn't hold Kokichi's hand due to his wrists, so he led him with a hand on his back. 

Internally, Shuichi was freaking out. He only externally panicked once Kokichi was in the care of the nurses.

He thought that Kokichi would be okay now that they were together. It had never even occurred to him that Kokichi may still do self destructive things like that. It hurt him to know that he couldn't stop Kokichi from doing things like that, even by comforting him and being there for him. Ultimately, there wasn't anything he could do to stop Kokichi... was there?

 

_\----------------------------------------------------_

 

By eight in the morning the same day, Kokichi walked into breakfast as if nothing had happened. His wrists were stitched back up and it was as if nothing had ever happened. No one even realized that anything was different (aside from Shuichi and Kokichi, of course).

Kokichi sat down next to Shuichi and leaned his head on his shoulder. 

_It was as if nothing had happened._

 

_\----------------------------------------------------_

 

After the accident, Shuichi made Kokichi promise to not do anything like that again.

Kokichi promised. Shuichi trusted him to keep true to the promise.

That was that.

Normal life resumed. The same thing day after day got boring, but Shuichi would have much rathered ordinary days than out of the ordinary ones, since if it were out of the ordinary, it would probably mean Kokichi had done something bad again.

He could tell that Kokichi hadn't been sleeping well, the bags developing under his eyes. Despite his efforts to talk to him about it, Kokichi always brushed it off like it was nothing.

It was concerning.

But what could he do?

 

_\----------------------------------------------------_

 

Kokichi had done something terrible.

He broke his promise to Shuichi. He had done it again.

There was no way he could tell Shuichi what he had done. Instead, he pulled on a sweatshirt he found in his room, making sure it went all the way up to his fingertips. Perfect. Now he just needed to act natural.

He laid back in bed, pulling the covers over himself. Closing his eyes, he waited for Shuichi to come '"wake him up".

Soon enough, his door creaked open and Kokichi heard Shuichi's soft voice, "Kokichi, wake up."

Kokichi faked a yawn and rubbed his eyes, "Noooo, five more minutes..." He stretched his arms, not thinking about his wrists. 

"Kokichi... what did you do to your arms?"

_Oh._

_Time to lie._

"Hm? What do you mean? I literally didn't do anything." Kokichi cocked an eyebrow.

"Kokichi, don't play this game with me. Get up, come here."

Normally, Kokichi might have had some bad thoughts when Shuichi was demanding, but now, he dreaded it. Fidgeting nervously, he got out of bed and walked over to Shuichi. 

"Take the sweatshirt off."

"I'm cold."

"It's summer, it isn't cold. Take it off." Shuichi seemed exasperated.

Kokichi took the sweatshirt off.

Without a word, Shuichi lifted his arms and inspected his wrists. He began walking away.

Kokichi followed.

Shuichi walked to find a nurse, motioning to Kokichi when he found someone. The entire time, no words were spoken.

 

_\----------------------------------------------------_

 

Kokichi and Shuichi sat outside under the willow tree. Kokichi was the first to speak this time.

"I'm sorry. I broke my promise."

It must have been a full minute before Shuichi answered.

"I'm not mad at you, or even upset with you. That's a promise I shouldn't have forced you to make. The only thing that's bothering me is that I can't do anything about this. I though that being with you and making you smile would stop you from doing this, but it isn't. I just... don't understand it, I guess. Even though I don't have the highest self esteem, I've never been like you. I've never believed that I was a bother to everyone, I've never wanted to die. I've never felt like that, so I guess it's just hard for me to understand. I'm used to things being black and white, but you're in a grey area. It's frustrating to me, since I'm used to understanding everything." Shuichi closed his eyes and sighed after he spoke.

Another minute passed, Kokichi taking time to process and think about what Shuichi had just said.

"Shuichi... I don't expect you to understand how I feel, or why I do things like this to myself. I don't even understand it. One minute I feel perfectly fine and happy, and then the next I feel worthless and lose all motivation to live. I'm a mystery to myself. You may have been able to solve every other mystery you've encountered, but you can't solve me. I'm not a puzzle to be solved."

"No, no... I get that. I know there's nothing to solve, nothing to fix. I just wish I could do more to help you."

"Don't you realize? You already do. Shuichi, I haven't even touched drugs, haven't smoked a single cigarette, since you asked me out and told me you would be here for me. Yeah, I may have went back to hurting myself, but every time I do it, it makes me feel worse than if I don't do it. It may not seem it, but I'm really trying to get better. It's just really difficult, and I relapsed a couple times."

"I know that you've been trying. If you weren't, you wouldn't even be talking to me about this. Seriously, you're so much different than before. You aren't just lying to try and fix everything. I'm really proud of you, okay?"

Kokichi nodded.

"I want you to start staying in my room. It's not that I don't trust you to be alone, but I've noticed that you haven't been sleeping- right? I'm guessing it's because of nightmares. I want to be there for you when you have a nightmare, and I have the feeling you won't come get me if you're in another room-"

"Shuichi, it's okay. You can just say you don't trust me to be alone. I don't trust me to be alone either. You saying that isn't going to offend me." Kokichi laughed sheepishly, "You are right about the sleep thing though. It's honestly scary how good you are at figuring things out."

Laughing with him, Shuichi shrugged, "I didn't want to be so flat out in saying I don't trust you to be alone, but I guess that is it. I am a detective, y'know, figuring things out is my one and only talent-"

"No, no, no. No no no. Nonono. you're also  _veryyyyyy_ talented at being my boyfriend." Kokichi giggled, rolling over so his leg was uncomfortably draped across Shuichi's body. He put his arms out, accidentally slapping Shuichi in the face, which caused them both to break into laughter. 

They were in the middle of a laughing fit when the courtyard door burst open and Kaito's voice rang out, "Shuichi!"

The laughing ceased. 

_Shit, what happened?_

"Kaito, what's wrong? Did something happen?"

Kaito stood in front of the couple, "Dude... we aren't actually high schoolers." His voice was stunned.

Kokichi and Shuichi looked at each other, and then Shuichi spoke slowly, "Kaito... you... didn't realize that before..? That... was pretty obvious when we woke up."

"Wait, seriously? Kokichi, man, back me up here, you didn't know that, right?"

"I... knew. No parents would ever let their child sign over all their memories and basically their life to a show. We're clearly adults who made this terrible decision all on our own." 

Kaito look dejected. He had thought he had just had the greatest epiphany in the history of mankind. "Alright. I see how it is. I'm... going to leave now." Kaito grumbled to himself as he left the courtyard.

"Hey, Kokichi, do you really think it was such a terrible decision to do this show?"

"Well obviously, we literally watched out friends die!"

"But... even though we went through that... if we hadn't decided to do the show, none of us would have ever met. We wouldn't have the friends we have now. You and I would have never met. I know it's a bad way to meet, but... if it means I got to meet you... I don't think it was a bad decision."

Kokichi's face went bright red, "Sh-shuichi! Shut up! Shut up! You c-can't just say shit like that!"

Holding back a laugh, Shuichi teased more, "Why not? Is someone embarrassed? Oh look how cuuuute you areeee."

Shuichi had never imagined himself or Kokichi talking this way to anyone, being a cheesy couple, but he couldn't have asked for anything better.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey are y'all fine with some S M U T in the next chapter


	10. apart we break, together we're okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> miu meddles in kokichi and shuichi's love life just a bit
> 
> kokichi doesn't mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NSFW WARNING again, not a lot, but a lot more than last time! just though my boys needed a good time with good feelings

Since Kokichi and Shuichi's conversation, Kokichi hadn't had a relapse. 

His bed had been moved into Shuichi's room, as a way to minimize the chance of him doing something bad to himself. Despite there being two beds, Kokichi hadn't spent a single night in his respective bed. The first few nights, he had tried to resist the urge to go and cuddle up to Shuichi, but it was futile in the end. Shuichi could see him staring and gave in, telling him to just get over there. 

Kokichi's bed was left cold and unloved every night, but Kokichi himself was more warm and loved than ever before. Even though he still woke up nearly every night with a terror in his mind, Shuichi was always there to comfort him. Kokichi didn't feel like he had to go through any of this alone anymore, it was a wonderful feeling.

He wasn't sure how he had gotten to this point, how he had managed to make Shuichi fall for him, but he was happier than ever. 

That morning, that particular morning, Shuichi and Kokichi had woke up much earlier than normal. Despite the early time, they headed to the dining hall anyways. They sat in their consecutive seats, not saying much. 

It would probably be at least half an hour, if not more, until anyone else woke up and arrived. 

It was a bit odd, even though the circumstance and setting were different, meeting up with everyone in the morning just seemed right. The routine was something that felt both constant and comforting.

Kokichi slid his chair closer to Shuichi's, "Hey, heyyyy, Shuichi?"

"Hm?" Shuichi turned his head.

Instead of asking a question, or even saying anything at all, Kokichi leaned in and kissed Shuichi.

The kiss started off sweet, but Kokichi pushed a little more, got a bit more passionate. Shuichi didn't object one bit. Kokichi stood up slowly, seating himself on his lover's lap. His hands went into Shuichi's hair, and Shuichi's were placed on his back. 

It only became hotter and heavier from there. Shuichi gently bit Kokichi's lip, getting him to open his mouth enough to slip his tongue in. 

The advances shocked Kokichi, getting him to let out a little gasp.

Hearing this only urged Shuichi on more. In a moment of confidence, Shuichi moved one of his hands to slip up Kokichi's shirt. His other shirt... it went further down, resting on Kokichi's ass.

In response, Kokichi tightened his grip on Shuichi's hair. He broke the kiss, pressing his forehead against Shuichi's own, his eyes closed. His cheeks were red, along with his ears. 

Shuichi had never imagined seeing Kokichi in a state as vulnerable as this. He had seen him cry, seen him hurt, but this was vulnerable on a different level. His mind wasn't on where they were, or the fact that anyone could walk in on them right now, no, his mind was on Kokichi. His mind was on Kokichi's face, Kokichi's body, how to see more of Kokichi.

Kokichi opened his eyes, staring back at Shuichi, "Sh-Shuichi, don't do this to me. This is so embarrassing..." 

The door clattered open. Kokichi and Shuichi froze.

"Oh my godddddd!" Miu shouted, "Get a room you guys!" 

Kokichi scrambled back into his own seat, face bright red. Shuichi was a matching shade of red.

"Miu, Miu  _please_ don't tell anyone about this." Shuichi pleaded, looking at her.

She walked closing, letting out a 'hm'. She looked at Kokichi, then to Shuichi, back to Kokichi, and then again at Shuichi. "Okay, let's make a deal."

"What is it?"

"Nothin' much! I just wanna test something on you Shuichi! I was working on making a non-alcoholic drink that tastes like it's real liquor, cause I wanna fuck with Tsumugi! All I need is for you to test out some different things and tell me if you'd believe it's real liquor!" Miu grinned.

Shuichi shrugged, "Oh, that's all? Okay." The deal seemed so innocent, so simple. It seemed like something Miu would really do, so Shuichi wasn't suspicious. 

He should have thought twice before agreeing so easily.

 

_\----------------------------------------------------_

 

Shuichi had gone off with Miu after dinner, leaving Kokichi to his own devices. 

Kokichi just laid in Shuichi's bed alone, bored and lonely. After only ten minutes, he got up and decided to shower. 

He didn't take too long, washing up quickly. He wrapped a towel around him and looked around the room for more clothing. There was a sweatshirt folded up on top of a pile of clothes.

_It must have been Shuichi's._

Kokichi picked it up, pulling it over his head. It was baggy on him, but he loved it. He pulled on some boxer briefs and decided it was enough. He laid down in bed and curled up, loving the scent of his boyfriend all around him. He closed his eyes and rested, not entirely asleep but not entirely awake either.

He lost track of time as he rested. He heard the door open but didn't move, just assuming it was Shuichi.

Well... he wasn't wrong about that.

"Mm... Kokichi?" Shuichi approached the bed, "I... think Miu gave me actual liquor. Everything feels weird... but not in a bad way." He rubbed his temples, trying to regain some sobriety.

Kokichi sat up, looking at Shuichi. He cheeks were dusted pink and he looked a bit disheveled.

"Ah... you look so pretty. Is that my hoodie?"

"Yeah, it is."

"You look... hot." Shuichi sat on the bed. There was no hesitation in his voice before he said his words. 

Kokichi blushed, "Shut up. You're tipsy, you should get some rest."

"Kokichi... I don't want to sleep." Shuichi cupped Kokichi's face in his hands and kissed him. He slid his hands down as they kissed, slipping underneath the hoodie to touch Kokichi's bare skin. God, he was just so soft, Shuichi wondered if his skin would be this soft in other places.

Breaking the kiss, Kokichi spoke, "Shuichi, you're tipsy, you don't know that you a-actually want this..." He shivered, goosebumps covering his skin from Shuichi's gentle hands.

"Kokichi, Kokichi..." Shuichi looked him in the eye, "Baby, I want to. This morning, if it weren't for Miu, I would have wanted the same thing. I may have some alcohol in my system, but I can think clearly. Honestly, being slightly tipsy is helping me to not feel nervous or unsure about this. It's so easy to say or do what I really want to do right now."

Kokichi nodded, entranced by Shuichi.

"Do you want this?"

"Yeah, I really do."

"If I do anything you don't want, tell me, okay?"

"Of course. But Shuichi, you could do anything to me and I'd be grateful." Kokichi smiled lovingly, kissing Shuichi softly. 

Shuichi took the lead, moving from kissing Kokichi's lips to his neck. He pressed open mouthed kissed to the pale skin. Shuichi had never done this before, but he just knew what to do. He sucked lightly on a patch of skin, loving how Kokichi squirmed around. Continuing to create a dark hickey, Shuichi's fingers brushed over Kokichi's nipples.

Kokichi made a noise that he never believed he could make. It was kind of a squeak, but kind of a moan. His face went bright red at hearing himself. He covered his mouth with a hand, not wanting to let anything more out. 

"More... let out more sounds like that. Kokichi, for me." Realizing that his chest must be sensitive, Shuichi rubbed a thumb over the hardening bud, loving how Kokichi gasped. He separated himself from Kokichi's neck, proud of his mark on the boy. "Arms up." Shuichi urged, stripping the hoodie from Kokichi's body. Not hesitating, Shuichi leaned down, swiping his tongue over the hardened nipple.

"A-ah..." Kokichi looked down at Shuichi, trying his best to not go crazy. He was doing this with Shuichi. This was really happening. He was going to have Shuichi. It was a wet dream come true.

"So beautiful, 'Kichi. I just want to see you go crazy underneath me. I've never been so crazy for someone. I want to hear you, I want to see you. 'Kichi, can I have all of you?"

Unable to speak at first, Kokichi nodded, "Y-yeah. You can have all of me."

Shuichi gently guided Kokichi to make him lay down. He was all laid out for him, for him only. He was going to make him his. They belonged to one another, they only wanted to belong to one another.

"Shuichi, I love you."

"I love you too, Kokichi."

 

_\----------------------------------------------------_

 

The two lovebirds fell asleep late into the night. They were messy, sweaty, and naked, but they couldn't care less. All that mattered was that they had each other, and they felt more connected than ever before.

It was the first night Kokichi didn't have a nightmare. Instead, he smiled as he slept, dreaming of only pure things.

Shuichi was awake for a bit after Kokichi fell asleep, gently running his hand through his hair to help him sleep. He would have never expected to be in this situation, but Shuichi would give anything just to have life this simple and peaceful forever. 

Sex had never appealed to him before this. Sure, he had hormones and needed to get off, but the thought of doing it with someone had always grossed him out. He felt differently now. Maybe Kokichi was really the one he had been searching for all along.

Miu had meddled in their relationship terrible, but Shuichi was actually thankful. If it weren't for her and her 'deal', he and Kokichi wouldn't have done any of this.

He wondered what would happen when they were allowed to leave the facility. Would Kokichi want to live in the same apartment as him? At the very least, Shuichi wanted to be in the same apartment complex. He wanted to be nearby for when Kokichi needed him. Hopefully he could convince Kokichi to live in the same apartment with him. He would feel so much safer if he could make sure Kokichi wasn't getting back into drugs or hurting himself.

Shuichi yawned. It was late, probably around midnight. The next morning, he would get to wake up and see Kokichi once again. He would wake up with his partner's warmth beside him.

Shuichi was happy, truly. Despite everything he had went through in the past month or two, he was tankful that everything happened the way it did. If even one little thing had changed, Shuichi may not have been with Kokichi at this moment.

Closing his eyes, Shuichi fell asleep in less than a minute,

They wore matching smiles on their sleeping faces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im gonna have a busy weekend so im rly sorry if i dont get to update!!!!! ill try my best!!!!!!!!!


	11. falling into place

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> rejoining society is difficult

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the delay in the chapter!!! super busy weekend! im gonna try to get back into updating everyday now!
> 
> ohoho i cant wait for my next chapter to come out h e h e

The morning after... everyone could tell. They assumed the pair had done it, considering the glow on their faces, how close they were holding one another, and of course, the blush they shared.

They sat down together, not yet addressing all of the stares and suggestive looks, and not planning to.

Of course, Miu wasn't letting them get away with it so easily.

"Kokichi, Shuichi... aren't you going to address the elephant in the room?" Miu grinned her evil little grin.

"Hm? Whatever are you talking about?" Kokichi inquired, still as great at lying as ever before. He put on a great show of lying, but everyone knew he was no longer innocent. No matter how good he could feint an innocent voice, the blush he had couldn't be masked.

Shuichi didn't even try to lie, instead opting to stare down at the table with a bright pink face.

"Y'know, you two fucked! Your lies don't work when you're both blushing like that!" Miu cackled, positively delighted at this situation.

Shuichi covered his face in shame, pleading, "Miu please... just... leave us be."

"No no no, never! Tell me- which of you two like it up the ass?" her laughter got louder, feeling amused with herself.

"We didn't do that!" Shuichi burst out, "Please Miu, I'm begging you, don't do this to me, don't humiliate me."

"Awhhhh... really? I guess it explains why no one is limping," she frowned, "booooooring." Miu finally settled down, slumping into her seat.

_ That night... the night before.  _ Kokichi blushed just at the thought.

 

_ \---------------------------------------------------- _

 

_ They didn't go all the way. Honestly, neither of them even ended up having an orgasm. It felt good, and they both enjoyed it, so that wasn't the reason. In the middle of, heh, well jerking one another off, Kokichi began to cry. Shuichi, naturally, panicked at this. Had he hurt him? Was something wrong? Before Kokichi could even explain, Shuichi had gone soft, the fear of having hurt his love overpowering his hormones. _

_ The tears weren't from pain though, they were from an overwhelming rush of love and emotions. The emotions got the better of him and Kokichi just cried, he cried and cried and cried. He pressed his forehead against Shuichi's, smiling as he cried, "I-I love you Shuichi. I just c-can't believe you're mine. N-no one has ever cared about me like this, no one has ever loved me like this, no one has ever wanted me like this. I always thought no one would want me, that I would die unfulfilled and alone, but you... you changed that. I'm so grateful, I just feel so much more happy than I ever had before, and I'm struggling to believe that I deserve any of this. I don't know that I deserve to be happy, I really don't know if I deserve any of this. Did I deserve a second chance at life? Did I deserve love? Did I deserve you?" _

_ Shuichi cupped his face in his palms and gave him a reassuring smile, "You deserve this. We both deserve to be happy like this. I don't know what life was like before the game, but we've been through hell and back. We deserve to be happy, no matter what anyone else tries to say. Even if the voice in your head says differently, you deserve all of the good that comes to you." _

_ Kokichi sniffled, his tears slowing, "Goddammit Shuichi, you always say that you're bad at words, but then you go and say shit like this. You could be a writer, I swear to fucking god. You always know the right thing to say to make my heart race and my tears go away. Thank you, Shuichi. I'm sorry for uh- ruining the mood." He chuckled, giving a sweet yet sheepish smile. _

_ Stroking his hair, Shuichi pecked his lips, "Don't worry, love. I think we could both use some rest, okay? My head is starting to hurt from the alcohol, and I don't want to have some kind of minor hangover in the morning." _

_ "Yeah... I love you Shuichi. Thank you, for tonight."  Kokichi hugged Shuichi close. _

_ "Goodnight, Kokichi." _

_ "Goodnight, Shuichi." _

 

_ \---------------------------------------------------- _

 

Kokichi leaned his head on Shuichi's shoulder, "Don't worry Miu, I'll get him another day. thanks for your help though." He winked, grinning at her.

"Oh shut up, we all know you're a fucking twink, you won't be putting anything so much as near his ass!" Miu perked up from her seat, pointing her finger accusingly at Kokichi. 

Feinting offence, Kokichi put his hand to his chest with a gasp, "Who? Me? So what if I like dick in my ass? You do too so I wouldn't be the one talking, slut." He held back a smile. Both Miu and himself had an understanding that these insults weren't real, so it felt nice to be able to joke with one another like this just like before. They were both a bit crazy and a bit too horny for their own good, but they were able to relate in their own weird way in that regard.

Taking a more serious tone unfamiliar to the girl, Miu gave a genuine smile, "I'm glad you're back to being yourself, you fucking cunt."

Kokichi had never noticed before that many of the others didn't hate him as much as he thought. Miu, Angie, Rantarou, Shuichi, even Kiibo and Tenko- they were all friends on some dysfunctional level. Especially now, after many of them had been faced with death at the front door, they had an unspoken appreciation for one another. They'd all been through shit together and knew they could no longer take anything for granted.

It was then that Shuichi noticed someone was missing.

"Huh? Has anyone seen Rantarou?"

Shuichi's inquiry made everyone look around, realizing that Shuichi was right- Rantarou wasn't there.

As if coming on command, the doors clattered open and Rantarou walked in, sporting the biggest smile anyone had ever seen him with, "Sorry for being late, but I have big big news! We're finally free! We're getting out of here!"

Smiles, gasps, and excited chatter filled the room.

Kokichi... didn't smile.

Not missing a beat, Shuichi leaned to whisper to Kokichi, "Hey, 'Kichi, what's wrong?"

"Ah... nothing." 

"We both know that's a lie, don't be afraid to tell me."

"I... don't really want to talk about it in front of everyone else..." he admitted.

Shuichi nodded, understanding, "Alright, you want to fake a stomach ache so we can get out of here?"

Kokichi nodded, glad that Shuichi was willing to go talk with him since he was feeling down.

Standing up, Shuichi gave a sheepish smile, "Sorry to interrupt this joy, but Kokichi isn't feeling well so I'm going to walk him back to our room."

Kokichi stood up as well, holding a hand over his stomach. They escaped the room without a hitch. They held hands as they walked down the hallway, fingers intertwined. Shuichi opened the door to their room and let Kokichi walk in first, closing the door behind them. They sat down on the bed together, and Shuichi put his arm around Kokichi.

"Hey, you want to tell me what's up now?"

"Yeah... it's just, as much as I've been looking forward to being able to live on my own, I don't want to go. I like having everyone here. I always have my friends and I feel content. I get to sleep next to you every night, and it makes me happy. When we leave here... what's going to happen? What will happen if I relapse again and this time... no one is there? What if no one saves me? I just... I'm scared of not being okay. I feel okay right now. I don't want things to change. I'm... scared of not being okay again."

"I've... actually been meaning to talk to you about this. I was wondering... would you want to share an apartment with me? It may not be the same feelings as you, but I do feel that I don't want to lose the experience of being able to feel you next to me every night."

Eyes widening, Kokichi answered, voice full of hope, "You... really want to live with me?"

Shuichi nodded, "Yeah, but I wasn't sure if you'd want to live with me. It may not be the same as having everyone so close, but I'll be there. I'll be there to save you if you relapse. I'm not going to let you be alone. Plus, I'm sure that the others won't live too far away, you'll be able to see them."

A smile spread across Kokichi's face. He attacked Shuichi with a hug, both of them falling back on the bed, "I love you! I love you!" He went from scared to estatic in moments. It was strange how easily his emotions could be swayed, but it couldn't be changed.

Kokichi was who he was, and Shuichi wouldn't ask for him to be anyone else.

 

_\----------------------------------------------------_

 

For most people, moving was seen as a hassle. Picking up everything and having to get it to another location was always a pain. Thankfully, none of the sixteen students had to worry about the pain of moving, for they had no belongings! The most that any of them owned was a duffel bag with an array of items inside. 

Everyone was returned what appeared to be their cell phone. Thinking that perhaps they could find some information about who they were before the game, each of the group investigated their phone. Sadly, anything that could give them information had been deleted. The only contacts in their phones were one anothers numbers. No photos remained, no text messages, no music even. It was evident that Team Danganronpa didn't want them able to figure out a single thing about their past, considering even their phone cases had been taken! How the hell were their phone cases going to give them any information?

Tem Danganronpa really must have been rich, because they set no limits as to the rent they would pay to house everyone. Still, Kokichi and Shuichi settled on a modest apartment, splurging a little to make sure it was furnished. Sure, they could spend as much as they wanted to, but after a year they'd need to pay the rent themselves, so Shuichi convinced Kokichi to think logically. 

Moving day arrived quickly. Kokichi was acting... oddly anxious. Shuichi assumed it was about being without all of their friends, so he just made certain to keep him close and hold his hand a little tighter than normal. 

He had expected Kokichi's nervousness to subside once they were settled into the apartment, but weirdly enough, he seemed to get even worse. Now Shuichi was actually worried. Knowing Kokichi wouldn't want to talk about it in front of anyone else, Shuichi waited until later in the night when everyone had gone to their own apartments. 

They sat on the couch together, leaning on one another. Shuichi hated to ruin this sweet moment, but he needed to know.

"Hey, 'Kichi. I didn't want to bring it up before, but you seem to be acting really anxious today. Is something up?"

Kokichi chewed on his lip before he answered, "Ah, um, well... I just... I wanted to ask you a question all day, but, uh... it's stupid, just ignore it..."

Shuichi pressed a kiss to Kokichi's temple, "Trust me, no question you ask could be stupid. Go ahead and ask me."

Kokichi fiddled with his hands, unable to look at his partner as he spoke, "The thing is... I was just thinking... since we have our own place now, and we're alone, well, could  we... y'know? Fuck it, I'll just say it. Do you want to have sex with me?" 

Oh.  _Oh._ Shuichi now understood why Kokichi had been so nervous. It must have been a difficult question to ask. It wasn't a difficult question to answer though.

"Oh, 'Kichi..." Shuichi smiled, "Yeah, I want to. I've wanted to since that first night we tried to."

Kokichi's heart was beating hard, a blush covering his cheeks, "I've really wanted to too. I wasn't sure if you'd want to though..."

"Now you know, yes, I want to. We're going to have to make an awkward trip to the convenience store though, aren't we? I think that'll be the worst part."

The blush on Kokichi's cheeks deepened, "Well... Miu kinda caught on to what my plan was a-and gave me some stuff. So... no awkward store trip?"

Shuichi tried to hold back a laugh, snorting instead, "Oh of course Miu would do that. Embarrassing, but helpful."

Kokichi hugged Shuichi tightly, "I love you."

"I love you too."


	12. connected more than ever before

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they finally get some well-deserved alone time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NSFW WARNING yeah this is basically just smut. this is like... way longer than usual so pls enjoy
> 
> hi my name is greyson and i use too many ellipses and commas

It happened naturally.

Although they had discussed it beforehand, when it happened, it wasn't forced. It was a natural progression.

The pair cuddled on the couch, absentmindedly staring at some movie on the television. Neither of them had any idea what was happening on screen, much less what movie it was. They were both occupied with their own thoughts. 

The scene cut to a commercial break, the loud announcer voice of someone introducing a useless product bringing Shuichi out of his own mind and back into the real world. Kokichi still seemed to be focused on his thoughts.

Shuichi took this as an opportunity to run a hand through Kokichi's hair. It was amazing how fast it grew. Since it was longer and had more weight, it didn't stick out to the sides nearly as much as it had appeared in the simulation. It was soft and beautiful, Shuichi felt like he could play with it forever and never want to stop. His mind began to wander back into the game.

It was difficult to believe anything now. Even though it felt real, so had the 'simulation'. What if Kokichi was still lying? No, he had to trust him. He really did love the boy, and Shuichi knew that trust was a big part of love. He supposed he may have loved Kokichi even before he had ever realized it. The feeling when he found out it was Kokichi who had been crushed was painful. He had known the pain of losing someone,  _Kaede,_ but it was a different kind of pain. It wasn't any less or more painful than the others he had lost, but it was a different feeling. Regret, longing, these emotions were stronger when he had lost Kokichi. He regretted always believing the boy was nothing more than an asshole, a liar. Shuichi's heart ached again, remembering the sight of the hydraulic press before him.

Without realizing it, tears had begun to drip down Shuichi's cheeks.  _Shit,_ why was he crying?

It didn't take long for Kokichi to notice, looking up to Shuichi with worry painted on his face, "Shuu? Are you okay?"

Shuichi wiped at his tears, trying to get himself to stop, "I'm fine, really, I just... remembered losing you. I don't know why I'm crying, really. I know it wasn't real, but losing you was terrible. And now I'm thinking about losing everyone else too. I know everyone is back now, but the pain of losing them is still with me." He shook his head, chuckling sadly.

Kokichi hugged his boyfriend tightly, "I know... no matter how many times I'm told it was fake, the pain still remains. I don't think anyone will ever be able to get rid of that pain. I wish... that I could ease the pain. I'm sorry, Shuichi."

Having no more words, Shuichi leaned down and kissed Kokichi. It was the best thing to do for the both of them. The feeling of their lips against one another's reminded them that it was true, that they were here. He pulled the smaller boy into his lap, arms around his waist. His tears stopped as he felt Kokichi's arms around his back, bringing him a sense of comfort.

Kokichi seemed so small in his lap, the perfect size to hold. He was half sitting, half straddling Shuichi's lap. It escalated from kissing to making out quickly. Kokichi's hands ran up Shuichi's back and tangled them in his hair.

Breaking the kiss, Shuichi felt confident that this was what he wanted, "You want this, right Kokichi?"

Almost too eagerly, Kokichi nodded, "Yeah, I really do, Shuu."

"Alrighty then, up we go." Shuichi held onto Kokichi's waist tightly, standing up before hoisting him up.

Kokichi let out a little yelp, surprised. He wrapped his legs around Shuichi, giggling, "Wowwww, Shuu-chan! You're so strong~!"

"I'm not strong, you're just really fucking tiny."

Kokichi probably would have taken offense to that remark if it were in any other situation, but since it was Shuichi and they were going to fuck (presumably), he didn't get angry. All he did was hold onto Shuichi closer and press open-mouthed kisses to his neck. He wasn't really good at it, but neither he nor Shuichi had experience to compare it to, so it was pretty good. 

Shuichi was glad he left the bedroom door open earlier, figuring it would have been an issue to open while holding Kokichi like this. He pushed the door closed with his foot. As gently as he could, Shuichi laid Kokichi down on the bed, his breath taken away by seeing his lover red-faced and ready to give himself up. Shuichi had no idea that Kokichi had this side to him, and that he himself could feel such an overwhelming urge to see even more of Kokichi's vulnerability. 

"Y'know, a picture lasts longer, Shuu. Are you gonna do anything or am I gonna have to do it myself?" Kokichi wore a smug grin on his face.

Oh, Shuichi was going to do something alright.

The urge to overtake this so called 'Supreme Leader' consumed him. "Shirt off, now."

A shiver ran down Kokichi's spine, eyes wide and mouth silent as the order left Shuichi's mouth. 

_Holy shit._ _That turned Kokichi on. **Why did that turn him on?**_

It was all Kokichi could to to stare at Shuichi as thoughts ran through his mind.

_Fuck. Was he into this?  No, no, he couldn't be. He wanted to be in control, right? He was the Ultimate Supreme Leader! No way he would ever allow someone to order him around as if they were the leader and not himself. ...right? Okay, he would admit it- wrong. He was most definitely into this. The thought of being taken down a peg was far too appealing. Maybe it was the stress of always having to lead that had led into this unknown force of masochism within him, but the thought of not being the leader, of perhaps being treated a bit worse than normally accepted... it excited him._

_First times were meant to be sweet, loving... but who said it couldn't be a little more than that? Obviously, Kokichi didn't want to indulge too far into his ugly desires this time, no, he'd wait until the next time to bring that up, but he did want to dip his toes into the water of this new realm._

When Kokichi said and did nothing, Shuichi backtracked, "Oh my god, Kokichi, I don't know what came over me. I'm sorry- I shouldn't order you around like that. I'm so-"

"Shhh, sh, shhhh, Shuichi. Say... more stuff like that. It's... pretty, no, really fucking hot." Kokichi's face was bright red as he blurted his feelings out.

"Oh...? You sure?"

 _"Yes. **Please."**_ Kokichi gave Shuichi those puppy dog eyes he was so good at making. 

There was about a 0.00001% chance of Shuichi saying no to such a polite request. He nodded, agreeing to Kokichi's request. 

"I said,  _shirt off_ Ouma." Shuichi used the voice he normally reserved for getting people to listen to him in class trials, adding Kokichi's surname to the end to show he was serious.

The shiver returned to Kokichi. He was screaming internally, already going crazy from this. Kokichi made a bit of a show out of taking his shirt off, smiling and stripping it off over his head.

"Good boy."

_Add praise to the list of Kokichi's turn ons._

"Now, pants off. Leave your boxers on for now." 

Kokichi slipped his pants off, revealing the tight grey boxer briefs that he was wearing. He was already growing hard, embarrassingly enough. He gazed down, not wanting to show how red his cheeks were.

"Look at me."

He gazed up at Shuichi.

"You look so pretty for me. Are you ready to give yourself up to me?" Shuichi stepped closer, putting a knee on the bed and leaning toward Kokichi. He put a finger underneath his chin and lifted his head, giving him a smile to show that he wasn't going to be anything less than gentle. 

Kokichi nodded.

"Then lay back, let me take the lead tonight. You may be a leader of others, but in here you can go off duty. Let yourself go."

Letting himself fall back on the bed, Kokichi felt his lips being captured by Shuichi's. He put his hands up to tug at Shuichi's shirt, finding it unfair how he was still fully clothed. He was excited and eager, not wanting to be patient or wait for what he wanted.

Shuichi broke the kiss and smirked, "You want me to take this off? What if I said no?"

"...please?" Kokichi hated how desperate he must seem, but honestly, he  _was_ desperate. 

"Well, I can't say no to you, my Kokichi." Shuichi gave in so easily, wanting to make Kokichi happy. He was acting like he was in control, but the reality was that Kokichi could get him to do anything he pleased just by asking. Shuichi unbuttoned his shirt and slipped it off, stopping there.

"A-and your pants?" Kokichi looked hopeful.

"Of course." Shuichi stepped out of his pants, Kokichi's stare not going unnoticed, "Like what you see, hm?"

"Well duh, who wouldn't like to see their boyfriend almost completely naked?" Kokichi stuck his tongue out.

Shuichi was glad that Kokichi still had that sassy bite to him. It reassured him to know Kokichi would most definitely let him know what he wanted and what he didn't want. "I know I like seeing you almost naked, so I get it. Trust me, I'll give you what you want."

"What I want is for you to touch me."

"Patience." Shuichi cupped Kokichi's face in his hands and gave him a chaste kiss on the lips. He trailed from his lips to his jawbone, and then down to his neck. He could feel Kokichi's heart beating and his hums of satisfaction. Knowing he would be more than okay with it, Shuichi nipped at the skin on Kokichi's neck, sucking gently. A possessive side encaptuaring his mind, Shuichi wanted to place hickeys where everyone could see them. He knew it would be embarrassing to let everyone know they had done it, but it was worth everyone knowing that he was his and only his.

"More, Shuu, I want everyone to know I'm yours."

Who was he to deny Kokichi?

He was a bit unsure of himself, but Shuichi sucked on the fair skin until he left a dark purple-ish red-ish mark. He pulled away to check his work, admiring how perfect the mark looked on Kokichi's skin. Perfect, perfect... god, Kokichi was so perfect.

"Beautiful... 'Kichi, you're beautiful. I've said it before, but now more than ever... you're beautiful."

Kokichi blushed  _intensely._ From his ears to his face and even his chest, his skin was a light pink hue. Hearing those words while in this position made it impossible to not get flustered. 

Shuichi leaned up and kissed his forehead, "Beautiful. You're beautiful, never forget that. No matter what happens, remember that you are beautiful, both inside and out. You may be a little bit crazy, but that's just one more thing that makes you beautiful." His voice was but a murmur, just loud enough to be understood, no louder. It was the most intimate compliment Kokichi had ever received.

With those soft yet powerful words, Shuichi trailed down. His mouth went to Kokichi's chest, teasing his sensitive nipples. His hands, however, went further. He palmed Kokichi's half hard cock through his boxer briefs, loving the shocked gasp the boy beneath him let out. 

Shuichi didn't know how he had gotten like this. He had always seemed to be more of a follower, not a leader (example: he was Kaito's "sidekick"). But now... he was a leader. He supposed he never thought of this situation much before now, but it surprised even him that he had found the confidence to lead. He felt weirdly proud of himself, seeing his ability to dishevel Kokichi so easily. It boosted his confidence even more every single time Kokichi let out a noise.

"Th-this isn't fair. I wanna make you feel good too, I-I wanna turn you on too..." Kokichi pouted.

"Trust me... you are. Hearing you and seeing you turns me on  _a lot._ I really just want to make you feel good, and I promise I'll feel good too."

"Okay... but if it's not good for you at any time tell me and I'll do something about it."

Shuichi shook his head and laughed slightly, "Alright, but it's going to be good for me. I'm more concerned about you, have you ever... done anything like this?"

"I mean, not in my memory. Maybe I did before, but not that I know of."

"Me neither, but I just know there's more of a chance that I'll hurt you."

"I, uh, I've done stuff myself before, so don't worry too much. You won't hurt me, I'm not like glass, it takes more than just a little push to break me."

The thought of Kokichi doing those kinds of things to himself immediately rushed to Shuichi's dick. Yeah, he needed to do this now. Without a warning, Shuichi hooked his fingers under the elastic of Kokichi's waistband and pulling them off. It was still a little surprising to see Kokichi's cock, but he had seen it before so it wasn't as big of a deal. He was more concerned with... another place. 

"Where's... the stuff Miu gave you?" Shuichi didn't like bringing her up in the middle of this, but he needed lube. 

Kokichi reached over to the bedside table and opened the second drawer, grabbing a small discreet bottle of lube and a condom.

Shuichi took the bottle and set the condom on the sheet. He shifted Kokichi into a bit of an easier position, hips up slightly from the bed. Clicking the bottle open, Shuichi poured a generous amount of the lube on his fingers, careful to not drip on the sheets. He brough a finger to Kokichi's hole, hands trembling slightly from nervousness. He rubbed around the rim, staring at the way Kokichi reacted. His hole twitched, along with his entire body. He heard Kokichi begin to speak, but he pushed his index finger into his tight hole.

Gasping, Kokichi's sentence was cut off before he could even start it. He had fingered himself before, but the sensation of someone else doing it was so much more intense, so much better. Not to mention, Shuichi's fingers were bigger than his own.

Knowing the gasp meant it was good, Shuichi pushed the finger in fully. He slowly moved it in and out, not waiting too long before pressing a second one in.

Another gasp from Kokichi, paired with a moan this time, "Sh-shit... Shuichi..."

He moved his fingers a bit quicker, spreading them bit by bit to loosen Kokichi up. Shuichi prolonger this part, wanting to make sure he wouldn't hurt Kokichi in the slightest. He only put a third finger in when Kokichi was quite literally begging him to, assuring him that he was okay, he just wanted  **more.** Shuichi pressed a third finger in and Kokichi just about lost it.

"Please, Shuichi, I can't take it any longer. I  _need_ to feel you inside of me. It won't hurt me, I-ah, I promise..."

Finally, Shuichi deemed that it was enough. He pulled his fingers out, loving the whine that escaped Kokichi's mouth. He picked up the condom and, surprisingly, opened it on the first try. He was nervous himself, and he knew Kokichi was too. He finally took his own boxers off. After rolling the condom on, Shuichi lined himself up, "Kokichi, I love you."

"I love you too."

Kokichi let out a mix of a moan and a gasp as he felt Shuichi slowly press it. It wasn't painful, just a bit uncomfortable at first.

Shuichi made sure to go slowly, pushing in all the way and not moving. He leaned down and pressed kisses all over Kokichi's face, showering him with the love he so deserved. 

"You... you can move. I'm ready, Sh-Shuichi." 

The smile Kokichi gave was unlike any Shuichi had seen, It was so happy, so filled with love, but also mixed in with pleasure.

_Beautiful._

He started slowly, pulling out about halfway before pushing back in. Fuck, it was so warm and tight against his cock, it was almost unbearable (almost). It was one of the most amazing feelings he had ever experienced. 

"A-ah, Shuichi, i-it's so good, more..." Kokichi's voice had been reduced to whimpers, whines, and moans. Shuichi was thanking the lords that his boyfriend wasn't the silent type.

Shuichi quickened the pace, still going slowly, but just perfect to satisfy both his and Kokichi's needs. He let out low moans of his own, unable to hold anything back now, not  _wanting_ to hold anything back. He shifted, and Kokichi suddenly cried out. For a moment he was worried, but those worries were eased.

Kokichi's cry was one of pleasure, "R-right there, Shuichi don't you dare stop now."

With that, Shuichi thrusted a bit hard, making sure not to change angles.

As Kokichi's moans got louder, so did Shuichi's. They were both (probably) virgins and this was so much. It felt so good and lasting long was neither of their strong suits. It was okay though, it wasn't embarrassing to be so quick if they both were, plus stamina would build up as they did this more.

Kokichi's hands grasped at the sheets, his eyes screwed shut and moans spilling from his mouth, "Sh-Shuu, not gonna last long, please touch me..."

It was a relief to hear Kokichi say he was getting close, since Shuichi was as well. His hand wrapped around Kokichi's length and pumped it in time with his thrusts, focusing on the feeling.

"Shit- Shuichi, gonna-" Kokichi was shameless as he came, not guilty about being so quick. His voice became higher and louder, making a mess of his own stomach.

Seeing his partner cum pushed Shuichi over the edge as well, thrusting particularly hard as a loud moan came from his mouth and he came. He rested for a moment before pulling out, the stimulation of Kokichi still tight around him over stimulating him. 

Shuichi had never been more thankful for a trash can right next to the bed. He tied the condom off with a knot and threw it away quickly. Then, he gazed down at Kokichi.

Kokichi's face was blissed out, not only from pleasure but also from love. "That was p-perfect... I love you."

The detective nodded and smiled, standing up from the bed and beginning to walk away.

"W-wait! Where are y-you going? Shuu, please don't l-leave."

"Relax, I'm getting a cloth, I'm not cuddling you with cum all over your stomach."

"Oh. Opps. Got w-worried." Kokichi laughed at his own little panic of Shuichi leaving.

In a couple minutes, Kokichi was all cleaned up. The pair still felt absolutely amazing. Shuichi laid down next to Kokichi and wrapped his arms around him, pulling him to his chest, "Thank you, Kokichi."

"No... thank you. That made me feel amazing. I-I know you wouldn't do that with me unless your love was real. I love you."

"I love you too, I really do."

Kokichi yawned, "I know it's early... but that honestly really tired me out... can we rest?"

"Of course love, you need to be rested up and happy for me tomorrow, not grumpy and tired." Shuichi teased, kissing Kokichi on the lips gently.

Kokichi had never been more in love. This was what he had dreamt of since he had met Shuichi, and he finally had it.

_Would it be greedy to want even more?_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HATE THE WORD NIPPLE AND NIPPLES I CAN HANDLE COCK BUT N O T NIPPLES


	13. healing takes time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kokichi is going to be okay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaa last chapter!!! i hope you liked this and i had lots of fun writing it!! i'll be starting a new series soon so please stay tuned!!

Kokichi woke up, sun shining in his eyes and warm arms around him.

They had moved in together a month earlier. The first two weeks were rough, arguments over who cooked dinner, who did the laundry, all of the pointless things couples disagreed on. 

It was peaceful, now. They took turns cooking and cleaning, even though Kokichi griped about his responsibilities. 

This day was a milestone.

Kokichi hadn't had a nightmare the night before. It was the first time he hadn't woken up panicking since he awoke from the game. Instead, he woke up smiling. He felt... happy. He looked to his side and saw Shuichi, his love. This was what he had dreamed of for so long. He finally felt happiness. 

The struggling had been worth it.

 

_\----------------------------------------------------_

 

Shuichi was easily hired for a private investigator company, his skills shown in the game. Kokichi, however... had some trouble. His talent was crime. No one wanted to hire a criminal. He had no other skills, nothing good to back him up.

Before, he would have just given up and fallen into unemployment. Now, he wanted to keep trying. He was determined to make a life for himself. Kokichi wouldn't resort to low-life techniques to earn money.

He began applying to universities. If he wanted a job, he knew he needed to work for it. Team Danganronpa agreed to pay for his tuition, thankfully. He decided... he wanted to teach. He wanted to show that even someone with a bad past such as his own could grow to be a teacher, someone who did good for the world. 

Everytime a letter arrived from a school, Kokichi grew hopeful. 

He hadn't been accepted. So far, four separate schools had denied him.

It was hard to not lose hope, but Kokichi kept trying. 

It was another day, and Kokichi kept hope bubbling up in his chest. He ran down the stairs, unlocking the mailbox with excited hands. He pulled out the mail and bounded back upstairs, shouting for Shuichi. This was a routine everyday. Kokichi would run and get the mail, and he and Shuichi would look through it, hoping for some good news.

Today, there was more mail than normal, so it was looking pretty hopeful!

Shuichi and Kokichi sat on the couch next to one another, Shuichi watching as Kokichi sifted through the mail. 

_Junk mail, junk mail... more junk mail, oh!_

Kokichi held up a letter from a university, grinning, "You think I'm gonna get into this one?"

"Of course, I always think you're going to get in. I believe in you."

"Ew, grosssss, that's so cheesy Shuichi!"

"We're literally dating. I'm your boyfriend, it's in my job description to be cheesy."

"That makes it sound like I'm paying you to date me!"

Shuichi's face filled with faux shock, "You mean you aren't? Damn, I guess I should go then."

Playfully shoving Shuichi, Kokichi let out a laugh. He carefully ripped open the envelope, not wanting to damage the contents of whatever was inside (even if it were a rejection letter). His eyes scanned the first paper, looking for some good news.

Shuichi waited in anticipation quietly, grasping Kokichi's hand incase he was rejected again.

"Oh my god... Shuichi!"

"Huh? What?"

"I got in! I got in!" Kokichi jumped up from the couch, tears filling his eyes, "Finally! I'm so happy, god, fuck, why the hell am I crying? Wow, I'm a wuss." Kokichi laughed at himself as he cried.

For once, Shuichi wasn't worried about Kokichi crying. He knew it was brought on by positive feelings. He stood up and hugged the other, smiling as well, "I'm proud of you. I knew you could do it."

Things were looking further and further up every single day.

 

_\----------------------------------------------------_

 

Shuichi was working. Kokichi was in college.

It was almost as if they were normal people, as if the killing game had never happened. It was a year later, and people had stopped treating them different from any normal citizen. It was comforting to be normal, to be average.

Team Danganronpa had stopped paying everyone's rent. Everyone was adjusted enough to provide for themselves, so it was okay.

Shuichi woke up around seven to get ready and go to work. Kokichi woke up only a short while later to say goodbye to him. He slept for an hour more after that, waking to go to class. He went to his classes, and visited Angie's art studio everyday in the afternoon. 

The routine was nice. Most would find this life redundant, but the friends all appreciated that nothing out of the ordinary happened, no more killings. It wasn't boring at all, Kokichi had fun everyday.

Paranoia and PTSD wreaked havoc among all sixteen, but someone was always there to support them. Life... was good.

A year ago, Kokichi would have never believed anyone if they had told him he would be happy, dating the man of his dreams, and all of his friends were still safe and alive. But that was his reality now.

He was still hurt, scars still remained. A scar on his neck reminded him of how lucky he was to be alive every single day. He was eight months clean and sober. No more drugs, no more cutting. 

Shuichi was so proud. He no longer worried about Kokichi every single time he had been left alone. He trusted him to keep himself safe. It was a huge weight off of his shoulders. 

Kokichi's nightmares were few and far between. He went to therapy weekly and took medications to help him. No matter what, he was determined to value his life and keep aiming to get better. Every day, he got better, more stable, happier. He couldn't complain about his life anymore, he was happier than he ever remembered being. There was no way he would give up again. 

The journey to recovery was bumpy, and there were still more obstacles to surmount ahead, but together with Shuichi, Kokichi would be able to pass them all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading!!! everyones comments have made me so happy and i hope you continue to support me!!!


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